Ocdbloggergirl's Blog: OCD, Life, and Other Misunderstandings

More Mental Malaise, Less Donald Trump

2 Weeks and 1 Day — September 28, 2011

2 Weeks and 1 Day

It ‘s exactly 2 weeks and 1 day since my life changed forever. My mother’s mortal remains are still in the hospital morgue, but since I’m not Jeffery Dahmer, I don’t know how much refrigeration halts decomposition. I would like to see my mother again, but even if I could, it’s doubtful I would. I remember my mother’s body moments after she passed, respirator removed, mouth contorted to stay open and smiling from that device. It’s over now.

Maybe someone is seeing for the first time through my mother’s eyes. Maybe she or he retains my mother’s essence, her goodness and knowledge absorbed in subtle ways into this person’s psyche. Maybe this justifies my mother’s quick death at only 68. 

I think my mother is with me. I hope she sees and hears, whispering to me what to do.

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Elegy For Lisa’s Mother — September 17, 2011
My Mom is Dead and I Ain’t Feeling Super Swift Either. — September 16, 2011

My Mom is Dead and I Ain’t Feeling Super Swift Either.

How do I tell you about the worst thing that could ever happen to me? If it weren’t for the three cats I am blessed with I would want to be with my mother right now. I don’t want to live anymore. I want my mom to pull me into her arms and take me with her, but I can’t. She wants me to keep loving our cats, to live. I don’t want to be alone. How do I ever recover? I feel like I will never ever be happy again. How can I be happy when everything reminds me of my mom? How can anything not remind me of her, even when I was away from home I called her twice a day!

I thought we had longer, Mom. You were only 68! Everytime I’d say “life insurance,” you’d say you had no intention of dying yet, that everything would work out just fine for me when you died. That I’d be ready, but i’m not ready at all! No one will  ever love me the way you did or understand me like you did. I’ll never love anyone like I love you, Mom. How am I going to stay in my home? How am I going to live on 674.00 a month?

I vomited this morning while trying to clean the house. I don’t thin;k I’m sick…I have a social worker coming this afternoon, I.Have.To.Stay.Alive. And so many people are being kind to me. People are good. I will have to tell you the whole story, the good, bad, and the ugly. Sometime. It is too fresh.

My Mom is Dead and I Ain’t Feeling Super Swift Either. —

My Mom is Dead and I Ain’t Feeling Super Swift Either.

How do I tell you about the worst thing that could ever happen to me? If it weren’t for the three cats I am blessed with I would want to be with my mother right now. I don’t want to live anymore. I want my mom to pull me into her arms and take me with her, but I can’t. She wants me to keep loving our cats, to live. I don’t want to be alone. How do I ever recover? I feel like I will never ever be happy again. How can I be happy when everything reminds me of my mom? How can anything not remind me of her, even when I was away from home I called her twice a day!

I thought we had longer, Mom. You were only 68! Everytime I’d say “life insurance,” you’d say you had no intention of dying yet, that everything would work out just fine for me when you died. That I’d be ready, but i’m not ready at all! No one will  ever love me the way you did or understand me like you did. I’ll never love anyone like I love you, Mom. How am I going to stay in my home? How am I going to live on 674.00 a month?

I vomited this morning while trying to clean the house. I don’t thin;k I’m sick…I have a social worker coming this afternoon, I.Have.To.Stay.Alive. And so many people are being kind to me. People are good. I will have to tell you the whole story, the good, bad, and the ugly. Sometime. It is too fresh.

Just What the Hell Was It That We Picked Up at the Hospital? — September 8, 2011

Just What the Hell Was It That We Picked Up at the Hospital?

I think my mom has viral pneumonia and I think I have a mild case myself. About 3 days after we left the hospital from accompanying a friend, my mom took sick. For most of the time I was back in the ER with my friend and her friend in clorox-scented safety. My mom, however was left to marinate in the germs of the waiting room. It started with a sore throat, runny nose, coughing, and bloomed into muscle aches, tightness in chest, loss of appetite, and weakness. I think her sore throat is gone but everything else remains, though at times she says she’s feeling a bit better.  I’m really nervous, but she swears she’ll go to the doctor if her phlegm turns yellow. I’m still scared.  My mom is 68 and a smoker, so when it hit me, it struck a lot less hard, but it’s still there for me too. I had a terrible sore throat and stuffy nose for a few days, but it lifted. Now, exactly 2 weeks after I caught this b*****d, I still have a bad cough, but that’s about it. It’ll take worse than that for me to go to the doctor if you remember the Great Kidney Infection of 2010. I’m starting to think September is bad luck since the kidney debacle happened in September. I’d be more worried about myself if I alone had a persistent cough, so it can’t be 2 for 1 Lung Cancer thing. I’m assuming whatever we have is viral, because I’m assuming we’d really be sick if it were bacterial. Why the heck is this thing not letting me have paragraphs?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Liebster’d and It’s Grand — September 5, 2011
A Classic of Poetry at the Other Blog — September 3, 2011

A Classic of Poetry at the Other Blog

Hope y’all are having a hellaciously awesome Labor Day weekend, but if you are, then you’re probably not reading this. I wish my mom would get over the cold we both have. My mom has likely had it two weeks , me maybe 8 days, but I’m basically over it except coughing jags.

Well, I have a new poem over at my other blog, I’d have put it here to be fair and balanced in content and junk, but my next Pseudo Book Reviewer adventure is coming very soon and I think you’ll find it vaguely amusing since I’ll be reviewing the worst detective novel in history. The last time I reviewed a book for these good folks, I had some really nice people try to make me into a better Christian, or a Christian period. I’m kinda considerably less conservative than the usual Blogging for Books Blogger. I live more towards what my conscience believes is right than verbatim from the Bible, though much of my beliefs come from said book. It’s easier this way when you’re very sensitive and question so much. 

Anywho, check out my new poem. It’s the shiznit!  http://ocdbloggergirl.com/2011/09/02/thursday-poets-rally-dear-adam-and-eve/

Thursday Poets Rally: Dear Adam and Eve — September 2, 2011

Thursday Poets Rally: Dear Adam and Eve

Adam and Eve
Image via Wikipedia Art Nouveau Carpet Matching Drapes

 

This poem was supposed to be for week 1 of the Poetry Picnic, but I didn’t get it done on time, so instead I humbly submit it to Thursday Poet’s Rally (two weeks later). Let me know what you think!

 

Dear Adam and Eve

 

Dear Adam and Eve,

 

Are you real or make-believe?

Did you exist in connubial bliss,

in a garden where only peace exists?

 

Or were you a seed implanted in

imperfect man’s head 

to explain all  the living and dead?

 

Myths spread to the ears of babes,

generation upon generation, 

a scribe writes and it passes to nations.

Did fiction become truth?

 

Was it 6 thousand -or 6 million-years ago,

you clothed yourselves in tree leaves

and from paradise told to go?

Why today your children suffer the same?

Our forebears’ sin forever our bane.

 

Or were you not Adam and Eve,

of dust and rib conceived?

Instead bang and poof, 

apes learn to live under a roof.

A new world constantly changing,

new insects for the naming.

Life made by God either way?

Only God and fossils can really say.

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