Goings on

I called my friend in NJ this afternoon and he seems as much in the depths as I am. I could even hear it in his voice. I feel less like a freak when I speak to him since he literally understands me. Even down to my eroding teeth from years of bruxism.

I’ve been feeling more and more like a freak of late.

K is going to have a lung biopsy in Chapel Hill and she wants me to go with her, but if only I take the stray in we’ve been feeding since 2015. Do I be a good friend in spite of my fears and do as she asks or do I let her navigate her struggles alone. It’s doubtful she has cancer and sarcoid too, surely. Her mother died of lung cancer, K. doesn’t smoke though.

Occasionally, I have a dream about being alone after my mom died. When I wake up, it takes a moment to realize that I’m safe, that I survived. I don’t know what will happen if K. dies. No human will need me anymore, just my cats. I couldn’t leave my cats.

I met a nice woman at Burger King several days ago, an 80 year-old Mexican Jehovah’s witness. She was easy to talk to once the initial fear of having to talk to a stranger subsided. She was impressed that I knew so much about her faith. She talked about her life, her son. She was waiting for Kingdom Hall. She gave me her number. I might text her the next time I’m at BK. Too shy to otherwise, but the premise of being where we met might make me able to text her again. Maybe. It takes me forever to be sure people just aren’t being kind. I think most people just tolerate me, even K.

I’ve been getting an influx of subscribers on my YouTube since I made myself into a dancing bear singing songs horribly. I’m happy, but thought I’d feel more fulfillment at being recognized for something. When I daydream I imagine becoming famous for being an e celebrity, that I write something important, or become famous for being unusual on camera. Just anything to make people notice that I exist. I’m sorry I’m so morose.

I released another haul video today but haven’t shared it around because I admit to being a little down. And then there’s the shitty covers. Released a few of those too.

Chicken!

This song I released around the 4th. Not bad. Not good, but not bad.

Walmart Plus Haul

Walmart Haul Show my Face

I think this is one of my better ones.

Prepping for Armageddon : A Walmart Hau

My BFF Thinks my Videos are Moronic, So Here’s Another One

I made my BFF (read: only friend offline) angry, and when she gets super mad at me, she lashes out at me verbally.  Today’s sin, and it was bad, was I didn’t get a stray cat ready to go to the vet a day earlier than I did. Now the vet doesn’t want to take her since it’s a Friday and she’s a colony cat. BFF won’t tell me if they took Callie in. She has a right to be pissed at me, but I think calling me a ‘lazy retard,’ saying my videos are ‘moronic,’ and not to expect her to spend a minute on me was a bit of an overreaction. Especially since I babysat her cockatiel who she was afraid was sick yesterday. Just saying. I think it will be OK to vent here,  because she’s said before, “I don’t read your shit because I know you.”

This video has been up a couple days, and I have a few more to spew out upon the world. Oh, to be unappreciated in one’s own time!

Fun Fact: This was actually seen by someone from one of  Walmart’s YouTube channels and they commented.

Is That a Wal-Mart on the Way to Hell?

Kinda sorta maybe wondering if I’m going to die like my mother did. I got a cold in early October and only got  over it after two weeks. But did I get over it? I was hoarse and sometimes still coughed. Now I’m coughing a lot more and feel a little bad. Maybe I just have another cold. Or AIDS. Or lung cancer. Or pneumonia waiting to poison my blood.

Someone once said I’d die by 48 if I kept eating the way I do. I’d write it off, but he did predict my mother’s death. He knew she was dying. He said to me as I visited him, “Are you and your mother OK? Have either of you been to the doctor?” “My mother has a cold is all,” I said. I’m sure he sensed a death imminent. I caught my mother’s cold. My mother, however, was dead within a couple of weeks of sepsis from pneumonia. Coincidence maybe, but he had predicted things to me several times before. I’m only 35 now, heading fast for 36.

I did something bad the other day, and maybe karma is about to bitch slap me for it. I was at Wal-Mart with my friend one night and after dark is when things at Wal-Mart get all peopleofwalmart.com. As I looked for cans of Friskies and cat litter, a couple came up to me. They reeked of cigarette smoke, even the woman who appeared pregnant ( but hey, my mother smoked while I was in the oven and look how great I turned out!).

“Oh we hate to  ask you this, it’s soooo embarrassing but we’re stuck here and we’re out of gas. All we have is a Wal-Mart gift card for $100.00 that my mom gave us to come visit her, but the Wal-Mart gas station is closed. We’ll sell you our gift card for $60.00 and prove it’s got  a 100.00 balance on our phone,” said the distressed damsel. Then she reiterated how embarrassing it all was.

I knew they wanted drugs. I knew the Murphy gas station was wide open at 9 pm and were it not, the gift card might be usable there anyway at the pump. I also knew that the balance on the gift card really was $100.00 because they let me hear the balance on their phone. I looked through my purse, had $49.00 in cash and bought it for that amount. Maybe they really needed help. Or maybe I just  helped a mom  make her kid a crack baby. I’d probably still buy that gift card if they approached me again since I don’t really know, which makes me scared I’ve become a terrible human being deserving death.

Other than me possibly dying and ending up on a permanent vacation in a much hotter climate, I’m OK. How are you?

 

Poetry Pot Luck -Love: Original Depressing VS. Trailer Park Remix

My Wal-Mart Valentine Image via Wikipedia

OK, first poem is depressing, 2nd poem is really vulgar. Just  thought you should know that about the 2nd one in case you aren’t a fan of raunchy humor…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love (original version)

 

Love alone,

Loved by none,

not in that way.

 

You swore not again,

but you lied.

Love like a virus

spread inside.

 

Love alone,

Love quarantined

isn’t contagious.

if contained.

 

Love alone

must exist concealed,

vaulted in a safe.

No rejection, no depression.

Wish the love object

better love than you.

 

Love alone.

Love by none

Must be love undone.

 

 

Love (Trailer Park remix)

 

Screw love!

Loved by none,

If batteries are included,

who needs someone?

 

The Valentine’s aisle at Wal-Mart,

you swore not again,

but chocolate is a demanding lover,

not like any other.

Gotta get some!

 

Screw love!

Love undone is love for one.

Love that won’t be scorned

is love you don’t have to mourn.

 

Love with chocolate,

love with self-love .

No rejection, no depression.

Minimal sin detection.

Screw love!

Seriously though, Happy Valentine’s Day!