In the Evenings, I Really Start to Despair

I’ve noticed the last few nights, my anxiety and depression worsen at night…and don’t forget the paranoia. I think every overheard conversation is about me, that everyone around me dislikes me and are out to get me some way. I haven’t quite hit the delusional train yet, because I’m aware it’s at least partially untrue. All my fears are exacerbated by the knowledge I have no one to turn to now.

I’m afraid every phone call is going to be the death knell, that someone is going to tell me something awful that I won’t be able to bounce back from.

And I desperately want someone to love me, but it’s never going to happen.

Alone

I haven’t spoke with my BFF since the 27th. That is, I haven’t spoken to her where she deigned to reply. One day, I felt particularly desperate to not be alone, so I made small talk in messenger: “Hey, they shot an 18 year-old here the other day by the mailboxes.”

Nothing. Not even her regular, “The people living there are animals.” I guess I really messed up if I don’t get to hear her denigrate my apartment complex, the entire southeastern United States, or virtually everyone she ever knew.

I’m actually worried about her. I check Messenger every day to make sure she’s OK. If she needed something/someone, I’m confident she’d let me know.

I worry I will wind up an unattended death, or evicted, or with a life-threatening disease, and no one will be there for me. It’s an overwhelming fear.

I worry about my impulsiveness when I’m really upset, that I get manipulative the more upset I get. I don’t mean to, but it is an extreme character flaw of mine, and I really need to work on that.

I wish she didn’t think I tried to turn her boyfriend against her. I did no such thing. The one time he threatened to leave, he was fucked up, and she had been nasty to both of us on Christmas 2019. The other times, he cried that he thought she didn’t love him, etc, and I would try to convince him otherwise.

Bringer of Woe

If, dear reader, you were following along last year, you’d recall me freaking out seeing firetrucks everywhere.  I thought my apartment complex might have gone up in flames, because I was coming out of McDonald’s, and couldn’t guage how close the fire was to my home. No worries, though, as it was just some poor soul dying in about the worst way -Drunk, the man kicked over his kerosene heater and incinerated himself in the woods.

Walking home, smelling the remaining smoke, which had a strong plastic/chemical smell I recall thinking maybe 2020 is not gonna be a good year.

That was last New Year’s Eve. This New Year’s Eve, in front of Dollar General, I watched a half-dead woman dragged out of her car onto the asphalt as an ambulance neared. She was barely breathing, and had a big bandage on her forehead. Somehow, she had fallen before piling her 4 children in the car and deciding to head to Dollar General. People seemed to think she was on something. After working on her a long time, the ambulance pulled away going to the hospital for a MRI.

What the hell? Am I particularly bad luck on New Year’s? Now that I think of it, the year before the year before I saw an ambulance rushing into my apartment complex.

Someone kindly reminded me that it was probably not an omen, that I just lived in a shitty part of town.

Hope things look up in 2021!