I am in so much pain right now. I’m trying to hold it back, but I hate myself as much, if not more, than I ever have . I hate myself. Everything about me is wrong.
I’m too fat and ugly. I’m too ashamed of myself to look anyone in the eye.
My voice is that of a child’s, my interests are too childish. I pronounce words wrong. Everything about me is wrong.
My ability to get distracted makes everyone mad. I can’t keep my mind in one place for more than a few minutes and I’m always late .
I walk too slow and I walk strangely because of some birth defect.
I’m lazy and do everything wrong.
My mother failed me, says my best friend. By the time my mom was dead I should have had a car, and a driver’s license, and though I wasn’t trial lawyer material, a job. Mom shouldn’t have made me a disability case (that wasn’t exactly how that happened, but it’s best to just let people paint the picture how they feel). It hurts when someone disparages my mother, who isn’t even alive to defend herself.
I’m having dreams of abandonment. Both my mom and grandma dead in one dream and I’m all alone. I know it was triggered by my friend saying to never speak to her again if I ever don’t look out the window while waiting for her again. I hear a banging on the window and there she is. I had been reading, didn’t hear her text, and it was right around the time she said she was getting off…To top it off I had missed a bus which is why she had to pick me up in the first place.
“Don’t expect me to kiss your ass, every time you fuck up!”she says when I later admit why I’m so depressed. She doesn’t even remember threatening to never speak to me again, which just in my mind confirms how worthless I am.
I think I can honestly say that she hangs out with me because she hasn’t found someone better. While she is my everything, I am the best to be had in a town of stupid rednecks.
She’s helped me out so many times and I think she really does care about me, but I keep wanting to ask “why me?” Is there something good about me? Or am I just a loser you hang out with. If I fell off the planet, would anyone care? Am I so easily thrown away?
I just keep imagining being abandoned for being a good for nothing. I really, truly am not good enough for anything or anyone.