My brain feels a bit foggy. Hopefully this is a temporary thing. While I’m trying to pass it off as merely sepsis, early onset dementia, and/or Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, I am concerned my brain is just gourded. I am doing better, so that’s a problem. Maybe I’m just nervous. Even with three psychotropic drugs in my system, I still imagine disaster around the corner. A spark in the back of my brain always feels unease. Sometimes it’s just an ember barely glowing, sometimes it’s five alarm….but the point is, it never really leaves. A friend says she wouldn’t want anything in her system that messes with her personality. “But I’m doing better. Can’t you see?” is my response. People just can’t get it. I’m sick, but I can’t get rid of it with just a case of the runs. There’s things I find difficult to discuss verbally. My compulsions are hidden from view, but I’m always doing them. And they’re an iota better! One less step in something plotted out in tens of steps. You might ask me what I’m doing, as I appear to be non-productive, but I can’t explain how I get stuck in my rituals. I honestly don’t know how to conduct myself without them, but a little relief to me is a big thing.
At least I can still write semi-coherent sentences.