My Mom is Dead and I Ain’t Feeling Super Swift Either.

How do I tell you about the worst thing that could ever happen to me? If it weren’t for the three cats I am blessed with I would want to be with my mother right now. I don’t want to live anymore. I want my mom to pull me into her arms and take me with her, but I can’t. She wants me to keep loving our cats, to live. I don’t want to be alone. How do I ever recover? I feel like I will never ever be happy again. How can I be happy when everything reminds me of my mom? How can anything not remind me of her, even when I was away from home I called her twice a day!

I thought we had longer, Mom. You were only 68! Everytime I’d say “life insurance,” you’d say you had no intention of dying yet, that everything would work out just fine for me when you died. That I’d be ready, but i’m not ready at all! No one will  ever love me the way you did or understand me like you did. I’ll never love anyone like I love you, Mom. How am I going to stay in my home? How am I going to live on 674.00 a month?

I vomited this morning while trying to clean the house. I don’t thin;k I’m sick…I have a social worker coming this afternoon, I.Have.To.Stay.Alive. And so many people are being kind to me. People are good. I will have to tell you the whole story, the good, bad, and the ugly. Sometime. It is too fresh.

19 thoughts on “My Mom is Dead and I Ain’t Feeling Super Swift Either.

  1. Lisa, I am stunned. I just two minutes ago received a call from a good friend that her mother had died last night and then opened the link to your blog post. I kept/keep hoping that this is some “trick” or joke that is going over my head and is not what the words I am reading are saying. I keep re-reading your post to see if I am minunderstanding. I wish I knew a way to contact you directly but since I have none, I send you all the sympathy and love I can muster and my prayers. I hope there are some people in your life who can come forward to help you and to be there as you grieve. Even more, I wish that you would post something and say this was a bad dream, not true or something but I don’t think it is going to happen. I can’t begin to say how sorry I am. If you want to call me, email me and I will send you my number. I am recuperating from a concussion but I can talk on the phone.

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  2. Like Iris, I can’t believe my eyes (the words I am reading) since I know you are a joker sometimes. But they seem very real. And I know you feel 100 times more stunned than me, sad, and frightened.

    My heart is with you and you are in my prayers and meditation. You are an amazing person and far stronger than you image. You are not alone. We all encounter deep pain and sorrow in life, we all encounter the death of loved ones. I am with you and supporting you in spirit and love.

    Embracing you with love, Sandra

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  3. Just breathe. You are alive. You know the cats need you. The world does too, when you are ready. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. You have enough strength to do this. Use the help people offer you. Do what needs doing. You’ll figure out the next step to take.

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  4. i’m with mikey on this one lisa… breathe… one breath in, one breath out… count them if you need to… it really does help to count them in those times when you can’t see past the next breath… let the social worker do their thing… accept all help you are offered…. and remember, your mother would not want you suffering like this… it is not your time to go… you are still needed here…. you still have a purpose here that is unfulfilled….

    one breath in, one breath out… that’s all you have to do right now

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  5. Oh Lisa, My deepest condolences, kind wishes and hugs…
    Now is a time for adjustment, for grief, shock, tears, survival mode.
    Soon enough will come the nuts and bolts of everyday living and the practicalities of how to weave broken threads together and go on.

    Social worker? excellent, grab all the help you can get right now, you’ll need everthing to equip you for the future.
    You CAN go on and you MUST go on, your mother wouldn’t want you to joing her so soon, your life has so much potential and being forced to step out on your own has as many positives as negatives, so embrace them all.

    You CAN rise to this challenge and you WILL make her proud by overcoming the obstacles of new experiences that life in this new phase will bring. You have friends and people who care and want to encourage you.
    Right now, celebrate your mother’s life… grieve and let go a little, but remember always.

    In a little while you will need to let go more and more, but you will always remember her love and that will make you strong for the future.
    Live YOUR future as your mother would have wanted you to… she is only as far away as you want her to be, she loves you, each day is a new day… as Mikey says “breathe” and one small step at the time, He’s right, that would be my advice too.
    Remember the Chinese proverb “The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step”.

    Know that you don’t walk alone.

    BIG HUGS…. Kiwi

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  6. Leese, old friend….I wept while reading this.
    I wish I was there to hug you, long and firm.

    Do not long for the past or be anxious about the future. Live minute by minute.

    If it’s pain and sorrow you feel now, embrace it, knowing we all go through the same things.
    Sob, weep, vomit. Stomp your feet and throw things. Nobody expects anything less.

    Do whatever you have to that will get you through this.
    With love, sympathy and sorrow,
    Tracy

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  7. Lisa.

    I saw the headline on my email and clicked right in. Your post proved to be as bad as I hoped it wouldn’t be. I am so, so sorry. As many people have said here, take one step at a time and grab all the help that is given.

    You’re getting a virtual hug from me. Take very good care of yourself.

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  8. Hi Lisa,

    Hang in there. Don’t forget to take your medication, eat, drink (non alcoholic of course) and sleep. You have a mountain of friends ready to tag team, so just take one day at a time. Please get Skype (its free) so we can all check up on you.

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  9. Hi dear friend. What can I say to you in this moment. I’m just so sorry for your lost. I wish I give you med. to make your heart feel better, but I can’t. I wish I can give you hug, tell you everything be ok. Its ok to cry, to be sad, to be angry… Its ok to be scared, we all scared sometimes. I hope tomorrow be better for you dear friend, than today. Remember your mom watching over you, smile and be happy. Its life we all born, live and die. But we all die different time. Remember if you miss your mom she all the time with you in your heart. Your friends is here for you, the one who live near and far…I’m really bless to have a friend like you, get a skype my friend we can talk …All I can say don’t worry be happy and everything be ok.

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  10. Oh Lisa, I am so sorry for your loss! I’ve been away myself a while–having had to take an emotional sabbatical due to my own depression–and wasn’t aware things have been so bad. I’ve been trying to swing by everyone’s blog to say hello the past couple of days, and am so glad I made it here today. I only wish I’d gotten here sooner.
    I hope you are doing better as of this writing. Never give up. There’s always hope. I’ve lost both parents, a best friend to suicide, and countless others due to many different causes. Still I’m here. Why? Because God has a purpose for me or I wouldn’t be. I believe that. He has one for you too. Anytime you want to talk email me. Everyone needs a friend.

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  11. *hugs*

    I lost both of parents a few years ago with in a month.
    It took a while for it to set in due to all the chaos.
    Once it did (set in) I cried for about 2 days. It helped. The crying.

    Let yourself cry (scream and curse as well if you feel the need) it is part of the grieving process.

    You are not alone, even if it feels that way.

    *hugs*

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