How do I tell you about the worst thing that could ever happen to me? If it weren’t for the three cats I am blessed with I would want to be with my mother right now. I don’t want to live anymore. I want my mom to pull me into her arms and take me with her, but I can’t. She wants me to keep loving our cats, to live. I don’t want to be alone. How do I ever recover? I feel like I will never ever be happy again. How can I be happy when everything reminds me of my mom? How can anything not remind me of her, even when I was away from home I called her twice a day!

I thought we had longer, Mom. You were only 68! Everytime I’d say “life insurance,” you’d say you had no intention of dying yet, that everything would work out just fine for me when you died. That I’d be ready, but i’m not ready at all! No one will  ever love me the way you did or understand me like you did. I’ll never love anyone like I love you, Mom. How am I going to stay in my home? How am I going to live on 674.00 a month?

I vomited this morning while trying to clean the house. I don’t thin;k I’m sick…I have a social worker coming this afternoon, I.Have.To.Stay.Alive. And so many people are being kind to me. People are good. I will have to tell you the whole story, the good, bad, and the ugly. Sometime. It is too fresh.

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