My Mom is Dead and I Ain’t Feeling Super Swift Either.

How do I tell you about the worst thing that could ever happen to me? If it weren’t for the three cats I am blessed with I would want to be with my mother right now. I don’t want to live anymore. I want my mom to pull me into her arms and take me with her, but I can’t. She wants me to keep loving our cats, to live. I don’t want to be alone. How do I ever recover? I feel like I will never ever be happy again. How can I be happy when everything reminds me of my mom? How can anything not remind me of her, even when I was away from home I called her twice a day!

I thought we had longer, Mom. You were only 68! Everytime I’d say “life insurance,” you’d say you had no intention of dying yet, that everything would work out just fine for me when you died. That I’d be ready, but i’m not ready at all! No one will  ever love me the way you did or understand me like you did. I’ll never love anyone like I love you, Mom. How am I going to stay in my home? How am I going to live on 674.00 a month?

I vomited this morning while trying to clean the house. I don’t thin;k I’m sick…I have a social worker coming this afternoon, I.Have.To.Stay.Alive. And so many people are being kind to me. People are good. I will have to tell you the whole story, the good, bad, and the ugly. Sometime. It is too fresh.

13 thoughts on “My Mom is Dead and I Ain’t Feeling Super Swift Either.

  1. You poor thing Lisa She was too young. Hang in there and see what the social worker has to offer. Praying everything will turn out ok for you.

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  2. Lisa I am so sorry. I can't believe she is gone so soon. I know you often included her in your posts; this is going to be some transition for you. Hold on to your friends, they are there to help you. I'll keep you in my mind. Marie

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    • Thanks Marie! Many hugs going your way. I still can't believe it. They only cremated her yesterday due to my finances. They let me see her before since she's been frozen these 3 weeks. I had to make sure it was her, I think, to make myself 'get it.' It didn't look like her in death, but it was her.

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  3. As someone who also recently lost a mother I can empathize with you. But you need to start thinking about the reality of the situation. Not the emotions. Yea its going to be hard. But one thing you had that I didnt is the support of others to help you. No one was there for me. I stand alone thru it not only faced with getting thru it on my own but actualy trying to help the others effected by it with their greif. Thinking oustide yourself and your own pain may very well be the ONLY thing that guides you thru this. Take a hold of all offerings and do not play out to outside instructions. When a friend offers a helping hand you do not say you need to get permission for it. YOU TAKE IT. OPENLY, WITHOUT RESERVATION AND CONDITION. You wil need all you can get. My void is my own, it is bred from experience with death so many times I have lost count. Im here for you Lisa

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    • Thanks Pete. You still have your dad and sis, but I understand. I'm not trying to be mean, but some of my friends don't want me to friend you on FB because you'd see their updates and are afraid you'll broadcast them to the chat room. I don't mean to slight you. I am grateful to you, your kind gifts, everything. I'm sorry truly.

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    • It's getting easier, but I think I'm still numb too. My friends here and offline are helping me get through this and I'm truly grateful to you and everyone,

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  4. Lisa, I haven't seen any new posts from you, and I was feeling concern for you. You must still be in shock, but I urge you to keep on writing. How else are we going to share our lives. I have always looked forward to reading your incredible posts. Hugs, Marie.

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