It is a truth universally acknowledged that a lady who wishes to send off an item bartered on eBay must be in want of packaging tape. Ah, this lamentably was the state of affairs and such a deprivation could not be borne.
Our lady, a Rubenesque spinster of three-and-thirty years, suggested to her mother a scheme of going to the shop down the way post-haste, for it was a week until Christmas and the best of couriers could not always send the required article in time. Fearing the wrath of an angry gentleman who had placed his custom and faith upon her, the lady commenced in her carriage, her good lady mother as chaperone. The mother, sullen, melancholy, and hinting her disapprobation at her, said, ” Make certain, daughter, that you buy something sweet for the time we feel peckish.”
The establishment frequented by all the ton of the neighbourhood and surrounding villages was called the Family Dollar and carried sundry items for sale. This mainly consisted of treasures imported from the orient, a plethora of genuine plastics molded into dishes and playthings for children, plus toiletries designed to cover smallpox scars and other maladies of ladies in need of the refinery.
The lady’s mother had her filial daughter go inside without her guiding hand, confident that she would find no disgrace within its doors. Nay, no disgrace indeed as our lady meandered the aisles of the store plucking up the tape, chocolate mint patties, and some sort of Christmas mint that once dissolved took on a consistency like gum. Looking at the cookies without her mother to advise which to procure, as her mother’s dark mood seemingly prevented her from issuing any hint of preference, she selected a large package of vanilla sandwich cookies with cream.
Taking these items to the cash register, our lady was assailed by the sounds of the music peculiar to certain sects of religion. This genre, aptly titled “Christian Pop,” seldom reached the tender regions of her soul as the lyrics and music intended. Instead of invoking all the comforts of religion, she oft, when not spared , chose to dissect the lyrics of such songs as though they were written by lovestruck poets for their would-be paramours. This song, however, was in a somewhat different strain, invoking the Lord thus:
Jesus is just all right with me, Jesus is just all right…
La! But an older lady, finding such a ditty insufferable, called attention to the young man attending the till. “I say, boy, this music you play upon yonder radio device, is that your personal preference?”
“Nay, madame,” said the young man. “Rather ’tis the preference of the lady proprietors.”
“I see,” spoke the lady with consternation. “You should play something soothing.”
“Ah, the ladies grew weary of the station that plays the Christmas music for the entirety of the season.”
“But that’s what the customers wish to hear whilst shopping, and they should think of the customers!” punctuated that lady.
You’d think they were playing the unexpurgated works of Eminem to hear her speak. A pretty thing this, thought our lady as she rushed from the edifice. She could not help, aversion to such music notwithstanding, how unpleasant were the manners of that lady.
Later, our lady and her mother arrived at the post office, and once more the spinster was left to her own devices as her mother waited. Soon our lady was amid a bustle of humanity all converging in a final frantic bid to send parcels for arrival by Yuletide.
She was waited upon by a lady who could be surly to some, but never to the spinster. “Is there anything fragile, liquid, perishable , or potentially hazardous inside, Madame?”
“Well…” said our lady, thinking back to a most helpful posting upon the wall sometime ago listing items that were foolhardy to send via courier, “the ___ has batteries inside.”
“No, ’tis fine and proper. What sort of ___is it?”
A ___ from the 80s, Madame,” said our lady.
“Oh, those I do recollect and my child possessed one that___.”
“Ah, indeed! I mark those, though many a year has passed betwixt then and now.”
“Please tell your mother Merry Christmas from me,” said the lady post office attendant.
Our lady counted out the change from a purse and thought uncharitably, Nay, not I, not now as my mother has declared she hates Christmas, which makes me hold the hold the holiday with similar malevolence, The spinster, acting like a hussy, could maintain a strong petulance at times, a nasty flaw to her being a genteel lady.
She was so immersed in thought that our lady almost forgot to return appropriate holiday greetings herself. “Thank you, I shall tell her…Oh dear! And Merry Christmas to you, Madame. I fear that my mind is a soupcon addled today.”
It is perhaps diverting to look at our spinster and note that despite a peculiar air hinting at wishing to sink into the floor beneath her rather than look another in the eye, she twice or thrice was complimented on her exceeding good manners in the past. It seems that some ladies and gentleman are taciturn when services were rendered inside the office. This compliment pleased our spinster in no uncertain terms.
The end of the day’s activities was nigh, but alas, the mother had lost her reading spectacles a couple of days previous and there seemed no way of finding the lost article. Despite her mother’s seasonal surliness, her most dutiful daughter did not wish to see that grand dame deprived of such creature comforts. Our lady bade the carriage to go to the shop where excellently crafted spectacles could be had, The Dollar General. As her good lady mother sought a perfect pair to match the strength of her weakened eyes, our lady perused the aisles, passing a gentleman in the stationary and place where books grace store shelves the final time.
Soon a young lady from that more southern clime came before them with a brood of children. The young lady spoke in the rapid tongue impossible to learn in finishing school book or by her dear teacher originally from Philadelphia town. Suddenly the gentleman in the aisle with her growled in a low voice, “Speak English goddamnit.”
What a fine gentleman! our lady thought as she disembarked for home. Mayhap he is a lord or an earl. Such command that can even instruct mothers and innocent babes the correct dispensation of the queen’s English. No doubt a man of the best of stock whose kind manners condescended to make foreigners feel so at home in ours, the most welcoming of lands. Such a portly stature and the pungent scent of smoke from the best of cigarettes. La! This is the sort of man I should wish to marry!
41 thoughts on “A Day of The Life of Lisa, as Written by Guest Blogger Jane Austen”
Brilliantly funny post! Did that scumbag really comment about speaking English? Damn. Richard Pryor once said, “You can always tell when a person hasn’t had a pool cue broken across his head.” Maybe that guy had one too many . . .
Unfortunately, yes. That sorry bastard. Is it imperative to know what a woman is saying to her 4 year-old son? Even if you don’t speak English, I’m sure they know the words Speak English and the tone if they heard wouldn’t need translation. That’s pretty low to say to a woman and her kids, but especially the kids. One can debate the whole illegal immigration thing all you want, but there is a time to think like a human and not like a dog territorially pissing.
Sure, I think our borders should be more secure, but once they’re here, they’re here as far as I’m concerned and people are people.Period. The US should make it easier to get a work permit, so people aren’t risking their lives coming here everyday just so they can eat. I also think, and I promise to get off my soap box after this, it would be a good idea to be fluent in English since English is the dominant language, but since I mainly can only read Spanish and sound like a ‘tard in the rare times I’ve ever had to try to speak it, I bet it’s even harder to learn English if you aren’t a child, so I say cut a person a break.
Jane is angry that I waxed political. She just told me it isn’t apropos for ladies to speak politics. She asked me, “Are you quite done, Madame?” and I said ” Yeah, I reckon so.”
Thanks for telling me know it was funny, because I always worry folks won’t like stuff I write. Jane just sort of came to me as I was thinking, damn, there’s some rude-ass people here. Jane Austen is like one of my favorite authors ever and since she wrote about manners, etc., I started writing down what she would think on this manners thingy..
Yes, I was saying thanks! I go off on tangents.
I actually loved the tangent, and wholeheartedly agree! The most intelligent, patient, and remarkable person I ever met was a refugee from Cambodia, who I hired to work on my cleaninig crew at night. He brought 7 kids and a wife over to escape the Khmer Rouge, and taught me more than I ever learned before. We can never forget that we’re a nation of immigrants and refugees from other countries. We need to react with empathy, not hate or apathy. Okay . . . now I’m off the soap box!
Thanks, Mr. Invasive 🙂 I love a good soap box.
Absolutely love it!
Thank you for swinging by and commenting on my blog or I never would have found you. You could very well become my newest addiction, and dirty little secret. Very funny stuff. I love it!
Thank you very much, Robb! I’d love to be addictive. 🙂
Excellently done, Jane!
A thoroughly good read!! 🙂
Thank you, Moon!!! I’m very glad you like it. 🙂
It is easy to sit back and say “Why don’t THEY learn the language?”
It is easy for me to say because I have never lived in a country where English is not the dominant language. The only time I have ever been in a place where English wasn’t spoken was a brief trip to Mexico and guess what? The person I met there spoke very fluent English.
Thank God he wasn’t on his soap box, didn’t just sit back and say, “Why don’t THEY learn the language?”
Very good point! Thank you for subscribing!
Way to keep in character, girl! A fine little ditty. I laughed out loud a few times. Love the “carriage.” Jane Austen would approve 😉
To be told that someone actually , literally lol’d is one of the best compliments you could give me! Thanks for stopping by!
Nice piece of writing, Lisa – well structured, well written, very funny, and with a point to make too. Well done. I enjoyed reading this post !!!
Thanks Duncan, you’re very sweet!
You sure meet some strange folk Lisa. I’m still LMfrigginAO
LMfrigginAO at you laughing yours off! That’s friggin great and thanks!!!
This is delightful! I really laughed. The picture at the bottom fits the story perfectly. I believe you could be Jane Austen. :o)
I do love me some Jane. I’ve read all her books except one and after that I will have read all her writings and will be sad. 😦
Thanks for coming by again!
ah yes…the Christmas spirit that does not abide in some folks! Great post!
Thanks very much, Kathe! May you have a wonderful new year!
I shall never stroll through a neighborhood dispenser of worldly goods again without thoughts of this brilliant piece of literature.
Pip, pip, my good man! Really glad to see see you and hope you had an awesome secular humanist, heartwarming holiday commonly celebrated on Dec25 of the 12 month cycle. And Happy 12 month cycle too , dearest Jammer!
I’ve been really excited to know what y’all think about it, and so happy you liked it!!!!
haha! love it! 🙂
Thanks Siubhan, very pleased you love it!!
This is so funny, I came across the blog quite by accident and I have definitely laughed out loud reading some of the posts. You are very clever, I wish I were so eloquent.
Emily, your comment pleased me so much!!! I hope you’ll come back now that you found my humble abode. Thank you so very much! You have no idea how much I appreciate that, and I wish you a very happy new year!
I enjoyed this as much as “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”, and it took less writing to get the joke across. Good for you, Lisa.
I wasn’t big on Pride and Prejudice and Zombies except that it gave me an excuse to revisit P & P. I was wondering what you’d think of my post. It seems like it’s a hit, even if I do say so myself. It’s one of those posts I feel kind of proud of, ehich sounds conceted but…
Thanks Mikey, I couldn’t wait to hear what you would say!
It is not conceited at all and it didn’t come across that way. I hit is a hit, success is success and this one was both. I am glad I found it.
Thanks Tim!!!! Happy New Year!!!
Thanks for the shout out in your last post. Sorry I haven’t been around as much, but for one thing Bschooled came over and beat the living shit out of me with a hockey stick. What the fuck was all that about?
And this post was exceptional Lisa! I love, adore and worship your creative, hilarious mind and ability to make me squirt milk out of my nose. The only thing hotter than Jane Austin and zombies right now is you!
I hope you have a Happy New Year and a fantabulous 2011!!
I just love you so much, Scott! You the bloggygod-man!!!!
Holy Hell was that ever funny, Lisa!
I’m not even going to read anything else today because nothing would compare.
My goal is to say “Thrice” three times tonight. (Or, should I say thrice times tonight.;))
Happy New Year, Lisa! I can’t wait to see what you come up with in 2011!
That is the sweetest thing I ever heard. I can’t wait for your posts either! Much love!
HAPPY FRIGGIN NEW YEAR!!!!!!
A friggin happy new year !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you got both humor and wit here,
keep it up.
Will try, thanks! Happy new year!
As I had some personal experience with immigration I will relate a problem that happened to me first hand.
I young man came here from Mexico and dated my step daughter at the time…she was wild and unruly …and he had drugs. She got pregnant and left her there without any support but her family. No way to reach him, no care in the world, and no responsibility.
When a family comes… we pay if they come to our hospitals which drives up the cost of all of our visits. The frustration of someone coming here without a license is if that person wrecks a car into anyone else’s property they do not have any civil responsibility… They might get deported but they simply come back within two weeks. So they do not even care what happens to the other party…and most do not have taxes taken out of there pay … that also takes away from us all. I do not care that they are trying to live here …but I do care when they do not clean up there own messes, pay for the things they use, and except responsibility for their actions.
I hope that you do not hate me for these remarks as I value you as a friend, but I am telling you the truth as I know it because these are the things that I have seen that have effected my whole family directly at different times.Peace be with you.
Oh no, not at all. You are welcome here and I will gladly be your friend too. I have sadly seen similar things as you’ve seen. One of my best friends got hit by an illegal without insurance. She doesn’t particularly like Mexicans, but now she’s 87 and I suppose at that age you can dislike whoever you like, not much will change your mind. Oh and there was a chap having sex with a mentally challenged woman who no doubt thought it equated having a boyfriend. That made me mad and though she was 18, she was taken away from her mother. Before that, some other guy had himself an 11 year-old girlfriend until her mom found out, but he fled.
Other people do that junk too, race and ethnicity not mattering. Some men, the world over, are evil. John, Juan, Jaques, and Jamal could be good guys or they could be bad guys. It’s just how things are.
I respectfully disagree with you on the tax issue. Lots of times employers are taking taxes out of their wages, etc. Also they do put money into the economy because they spend money and lots of them are doing jobs other people won’t do. They’re much harder workers often.
Now don’t get me wrong. Illegal immigration is a problem, but some people treat them as if they’re subhuman, as though if they wouldn’t do the same thing in a similar situation. I just don’t like a bully and you got to admit a man who would say such things to a mom and her kids isn’t a very nice guy. It’s against my morals or ethics to act that way, as I’m sure it is for you too.
you’re very welcome here and I’m very pleased you came by and shared what you think. 🙂
Thank you my dear! I don’t mind them coming here but when they come illegally and don’t follow the rules they have no accountability…that is what frustrates me about the issue. I do agree with you how ever on the fact that they are not sub-human and no one has the right to treat any one else as such, especially to a woman and her children…In my presence the problem would be straightened out expeditiously. Have a great rest of the week!