Quickpress is great for the depressed and needing to lay bare their souls I think.
Heaven help me, I’m so screwed.
Most of the time if someone slights me I swallow my resentment and can somehow take it as my desserts. Not so with myself or my mom. I feel awful when my mom becomes the subject of my ire, because I don’t just get mad at my mom, I go into a full bona fied rage.
I’m not one to physically lash out, thank God, but my mouth is terrible and my thoughts that don’t quite verbalize are so bad I deserve lightening striking me.
I almost said to her today that “Sometimes I hate you.”
Do I hate my mom when I get that mad? I doubt it. I’d still do anything for her, but if I hate anyone it’s myself. What kind of person am I? I even call her terrible names under my breath.
The other times I’m that mad is at my own damn self. I am OK with letting myself know what a worthless pig I am and usually I just get mad at myself, but when it spills out on my mom is when I really have a problem.
What motivates my rage? My absolute need for perfection in myself. I wake up each morning promising myself that I will be perfect, that I will make no mistakes at all. And I’m serious about that thing. What do you think, then would send me into a rage? Anything that reminds me I’m not doing everything just right. My main gauge of “screw up” is my mom when I’m not getting the feeling that I need to restart my own damn miserable self.
When someone is that hellbent on doing everything just right, it takes very little to send me into a ragey panic state, which makes me the douche that I am. It’s only my mother and myself that can make me that mad.
Things I expect of myself everyday:
Not to get angry at all, or at least suppress it.
To think of others always before myself and do my best to be selfless.
To perform every damn little ritual my sorry ass can come up with that day.
I know I’m going to fail each time I promise myself this and I can’t stop! No amount of meds seems to stop that need to be perfect. It makes me miserable. I feel my perfect is everyone else’s normal too on one hand. I feel I really have to strive to measure up to anyone. I know people think I’m dumb and ignorant, and my only consolation, is that in some areas I’m smarter than they are (it ain’t that hard here -and see, there’s another imperfection of mine -secretly knocking people around me when it’s my sorry ass that’s on disability and even if I am smarter I will never amount to shit).
OK, I think I have it out of my system now. Thanks for listening.
Ocdbloggergirl's Blog: OCD, Life, and Other Misunderstandings 
Hi Leese….
Girl we gotta talk off blog sometime.
My new job is all about “behaviors”.
On the grand scale of things, you are only guilty of being human!
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“On the grand scale of things, you are only guilty of being human!”
Couldn’t have said it better.
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I truly would love that Trace, here, there, anywhere!
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A person we love is not a person towards whom we have no hostile feelings. A person we love is someone about whom we care enough to find some appropriate way to express those feelings and, when no longer having to carry them, grow closer to them. Expressed anger is not what alienates us from other people, it is repressed, unexpressed anger which does that.
And I think that the love of perfection, not the love of money, is the root of all evil. Because it is what makes us insecure, and personal insecurity lies behind every evil from selfishness to genocide.
Everything wonderful comes from imperfection. Think about it. The earth was more perfect when it was a dead rock than it is now with all its teaming life. How did that life come about? Through a series of imperfections – mutations – some of which proved useful. That is how the creative principle of life operates, by deviating from perfection, by experimenting.
An insistence that we or others be or strive for perfection is something oppressive and destructive, not creative. It is a kind of Naziism of the soul.
This doesn’t mean you should beat yourself up about being a perfectionist. Accept yourself as you are, because that is the first step to becoming what you can be. But just don’t think that any kind of virtue lies in perfection. It doesn’t.
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Yes, you always speak the truth. If I thought I was perfect I’d probably be a sociopath, so better to be fallible.
Thank you!!!
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I’ll let you into a little secret Lisa:
No one else is perfect either.
Really, No one, not one of us.
It’s a fact of life that no one ever will be either, no matter how they try.
Your Mother loves you in spite of your flaws, just as you love her in spite of hers, so maybe instead of aiming for a unachievable and beating yourself up if you feel you fail, why not start the day aiming for your “very best YOU”?
You may find that it’s a far more honest goal to be striving for and ultimately you have the possibility to achieving close to it most days.
Think too, IF you were perfect then you would have no empathy or understanding for everyone else who wasn’t AND it would be rather boring.
Shift the goal posts … it’s not lowering the standard, it’s just redefining your focus.
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I’ve been thinking about being the best me like you said the last couple of days and trying to just be me.
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Lisa, you are right that no pill is going to help you with the rage. It is raw, right under the surface. I carried it too, but I am learning to manage it more and more through my Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and with my therapist too. It is not magical because it is a long process. Think that you have been doing the same things for many years. It is going to take a while to learn new behaviors. Good luck. LS.
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Bless you, Living!
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The rx for this presenting problem…is forgiveness.
Apply liberally, as needed.
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I’ll try, I’m the worst at forgiving myself.
You’re always wise, Mikey.
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Lisa,
Of course none of us are perfect, with that being said our relationships will be imperfect as well. There’s nothing perfect in an imperfect world. The only thing we should strive for perfection in is knowing perfection does not exist.
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You’re a wonderful person. Thank you so much!
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Lisa, I didn’t want to mention this before, but here it goes.
I have a mother who abuses her place of motherhood in this world. She suffers from Munchausen syndrome, and drives everyone in the family crazy. She lives on pity every day. She treated us terribly when we were growing up; didn’t buy food so she could buy herself dresses, and would tell her friends that we were anorexic and didn’t want to eat, and worry she was about us. She used to tell my ex-husband and my friends that she didn’t sleep at night because she was afraid I would kill myself during the night. And more lies that you could count. She led her stepfather sexually abused me while SHE stood in the bedroom watching. I was only 12 then, and it was my first suicide attempt at 12. When my brother was 37, he could not take it anymore and he killed himself 14 years ago. Now I am 49, have given her every opportunity to make amends, but a year ago I caught her stealing my money from my disability check for more than $1,100 in 4 weeks; I have copies of the checks with her signature. That was the last day I spoke and saw her. She is never going to change, and she is truly a very toxic person to me. That is why I can’t have her around me while I try to recover from my mental illness. Because of her, I can’t continue my relationship with my other siblings. My mother told one of my sisters that I had physically attacked her… the day I caught her stealing.
I tell you this story because no every mother is a saint. I sincerely hope your mom is nothing like mine, and if that’s the case, then I wish you can have a normal mother-daughter relationship. Good luck. LS.
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I remember you talking about your brother. Wow, Munchausen’s that’s awful. I doubt many can get better of that. You’re right to leave off with her.
I can truly say my mom always means well, we just clash, mainly because of my being weird.
Thank you so much for sharing! It means a lot.
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