Quickpress is great for the depressed and needing to lay bare their souls I think.
Heaven help me, I’m so screwed.
Most of the time if someone slights me I swallow my resentment and can somehow take it as my desserts. Not so with myself or my mom. I feel awful when my mom becomes the subject of my ire, because I don’t just get mad at my mom, I go into a full bona fied rage.
I’m not one to physically lash out, thank God, but my mouth is terrible and my thoughts that don’t quite verbalize are so bad I deserve lightening striking me.
I almost said to her today that “Sometimes I hate you.”
Do I hate my mom when I get that mad? I doubt it. I’d still do anything for her, but if I hate anyone it’s myself. What kind of person am I? I even call her terrible names under my breath.
The other times I’m that mad is at my own damn self. I am OK with letting myself know what a worthless pig I am and usually I just get mad at myself, but when it spills out on my mom is when I really have a problem.
What motivates my rage? My absolute need for perfection in myself. I wake up each morning promising myself that I will be perfect, that I will make no mistakes at all. And I’m serious about that thing. What do you think, then would send me into a rage? Anything that reminds me I’m not doing everything just right. My main gauge of “screw up” is my mom when I’m not getting the feeling that I need to restart my own damn miserable self.
When someone is that hellbent on doing everything just right, it takes very little to send me into a ragey panic state, which makes me the douche that I am. It’s only my mother and myself that can make me that mad.
Things I expect of myself everyday:
Not to get angry at all, or at least suppress it.
To think of others always before myself and do my best to be selfless.
To perform every damn little ritual my sorry ass can come up with that day.
I know I’m going to fail each time I promise myself this and I can’t stop! No amount of meds seems to stop that need to be perfect. It makes me miserable. I feel my perfect is everyone else’s normal too on one hand. I feel I really have to strive to measure up to anyone. I know people think I’m dumb and ignorant, and my only consolation, is that in some areas I’m smarter than they are (it ain’t that hard here -and see, there’s another imperfection of mine -secretly knocking people around me when it’s my sorry ass that’s on disability and even if I am smarter I will never amount to shit).
OK, I think I have it out of my system now. Thanks for listening.