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  1. It might be helpful for you to die, but not to die. I used to fear death, alot. Then I eventually came to understand that what I feared was not physical death but the “ceasing to be me” which would come with it. And what does it mean to cease to be me? It means to lose my current ego structure – my personality and view of myself and my self-consciousness. But, over my life, aspects of my ego – my view of myself, my beliefs and my self-consciousness – have broken down. I have died in that sense. But better things come to take the place of the old. This kind of death is really just profound change. It is scary to think about because it is an end to ourselves as we know ourselves. But if Lisa who has OCD and thinks she is a “worthless piece of shit” dies, whatever Lisa takes her place is going to be a happier person. All the ego is is a construction of our beliefs. To realise that you are not “a worthless piece of shit” is to lose a part of yourself, it is to die and yet to die not into death but to die into life.

    Your cats exist to teach you. They don’t think that they are “worthless pieces of shit”. We can learn a lot by looking at animals and plants. “Consider the lilies, how they grow: they toil not, neither do they spin; yet I say unto you, Even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.” Luke 12:27. If you can trust to life like your cats and thus get off of your own back you will be blessed like the flowers. It is hard to let go of old habits even if it be the habit of self-flagellation, but perhaps you can do it if you know that it is what life wants from you. Our lives are manifestations of beliefs. If you believe that you are a “worthless piece of shit” you end up with a shitty life, and I think you’ve had more than enough of that kind of life, but if you realise that, like your cats, you are one of God’s magnificent creations, then you will be open to all of the opportunities around you to discover a richer life.

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  2. Hey Lisa!

    Don’t say that. I know you feel really low and I also understand how empty you must be feeling. I’ve been there and thankfully someone found me, and the ambulance got me to hospital in time. My stomach was pumped and I stayed in Intensive care for a couple of days. But, here I am to tell you this story. When I read your post and saw your video? I cried, because I know, only you can save you. And right now, you don’t know how to do that. I don’t have the answer, Lisa. I really wish I did and I could take your hurt and pain away…but I can’t.

    You feel alone and I know people in WordPress aren’t there in the physical world. But, we are here as much as we can be…and we are listening.
    Please take care of you, I worry about you. hugs Paula xxxoooo

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  4. Love Cats, and don’t kill yourself!

    This might sound dumb as bats bums, but sounds like you need a good dose of positive thinking eh… Something I do when I need that (Which is ALL the time) is write out some affirmations and stick them everywhere)

    ‘Hey gorgeous’ in the mirror – ‘YES YOU CAN’ on the front door right before I leave…

    Maybe you are feeling a little better now… It has been a while since you wrote this post and I’ve only just discovered your blog recently, so reading through one after the other, almost feels like I am in real time 🙂

    ML
    xx

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