Rumors of My Death: Episode I


Various Listerine products
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It seems there are a few maladies unable to be conquered by waiting for them to go away, that there are some things that will make the most reluctant patient go to the doctor. My abject horror of disease-finding doctors kept me away from them in cases most people would go to a physician. Like that time I thought I had Swimmer’s Ear, or the time I had that giant pus-filled boil  and could barely lift my arm (sorry to be graphic). The only time in around five years or so that I had to get a medicine, not referring to my antidepressants, was the time I got oral thrush and ended up at my dentist’s. Genius here thought it would be fabulous for my gums if I kept Listerine in my mouth slightly over the minute directed on the bottle….. like 19 minutes  over the time on the bottle. Cleanliness may very well be next to godliness, but this doesn’t pertain to the bacteria of the mouth. Of course I thought I had oral cancer, then, after my mother explained what thrush was, that I was sure I had a compromised immune system and had ‘caught’ AIDS in a nontraditional way. …Ever the optimist if not the deep thinker. But anyway…

One morning I woke up and went to the bathroom to receive an unpleasant surprise of almost red urine, to which I immediately told my mother. She at first wanted to say it was still my Aunt Flo, but I told her that good lady of red blessings packed up and left at least two days ago. This had happened to me a couple of times months ago, but it went away and my bladder kept its peace until now. This time would not be the same. From almost red urine, I began to void red clumps and spots (again, sorry to be graphic). I just chalked it all up to bladder cancer or kidney failure.

For the first day or two my mother remained optimistic that I just had a long period, but my stomach and back now began to hurt and I seemed to pee less. To strain gave me a bit of a burning sensation. Then, joy of joys,  I had my once every 3 months pill pusher’s psychiatrist’s appointment to go  to while I barely could stand up for the pain and dizziness. It was today I planned to  ask her to switch me to a medicine I only tried for a while because I am desperate to end the need to be perfect and the overwhelming anger at not being able to live to my standards. If you feel like you have to restart all the time you might be pretty pissed off and on edge too. Though I was half dead, I still asked. Recall, gentle reader, I’ve mentioned this sort of thing before, my medicine not working well (I sort of cringe when I read one sentence in it, embarrassing! But you can have a look if you didn’t have the fortune of following my fascinating, deep chronicles of my life in April: Can’t get link to work, but if you  just really gotta read it its APR 20, 2010 in the hallowed archives —–>


My psychiatrist heard me out and this time she decided it would be better that she increase my dose rather than change my medicine. I take 300 mg of Luvox, which is the maximum dose recommended, so she upped it to 350 and would have me back in a month to see whether I was still alive.

“We’ll have to watch out for Serotonin Syndrome,” she pronounced as she scratched my new prescription on the pad.

“But I’d have symptoms before I fall dead of it, right?”

“Usually.” Ain’t life grand?

Before giving the prescription, she asked me if I was having any health problems.

“No!” You can go to hell for lying, you know, Nelly?

I decided I wouldn’t start the brave new dosage until I was over whatever settled on my kidneys. Let one thing kill me before another thing decided to give it a go.

I got progressively worse. I didn’t make it to the toilet twice, thinking I only had to slightly go when my bladder played a dirty trick on me. Freaking out, I told my mother, “That can’t be a kidney infection can it? That isn’t a symptom is it?” I was convinced I had kidney failure/diabetes/cancer/AIDS.

“Yes it can. You have a kidney infection and you need to go to the doctor.”

“No!” Look, I knew I had kidney failure/diabetes/cancer/AIDS and I had no desire to hear a doctor tell me I was as good as dead.

“If you don’t get better really soon, you’re going to the doctor .”


But I wasn’t about to go without a fight with my immune system if not my mother.

I began a war of feverish, almost sleepless nights where I felt like I was freezing. My temperature at its highest was 103 and if I coughed my brain felt like it was exploding. So I told my mother if I wasn’t better by the time I finished an entire jug of cranberry juice I would go to the doctor. So I drank my juice, took Tylenol for my fever, and Azo for urinary pain. I had no appetite.

Curiously enough, as I was dying, I began to worry about a blogger thinking she might have caused my malady and I knew it wasn’t, but I was much afraid she thought so. So I says to my Mom, “If I die, please let her know it wasn’t her, that I knew the frozen tampon thing was a joke to begin with anyway.” Well sometime or another I felt better enough to let her know myself. Strange what the mind thinks about when sporting a fever. I said something along the lines that my vagina was just fine and all, but if it had been my vagina ending me, perhaps my death would  have warranted a Darwin Award and I could say I had not died in vain.

I guess it’s OK to explain, because if any of you read the comments on a blog, you might have seen what I did just because I was curious a little. I knew the post was a great joke, but I hadn’t dared myself to do something ignorant since my teens when I ate an ornamental pepper and ate a whole packet of mustard down with nothing else. The good old days, you know? (Such an attention whore to be so shy). So I decided to try freezing my tampon just because I could. I left this comment on her blog:

19. Lisa |  September 16, 2010 at 10:22 pm

So I left it in the freezer about 4 hours, hidden behind a half-used box of spaghetti. It was one of those new “U” tampons, a blue one, which is really apropos for freezing. Somehow they think if tampons come in bright colors that you’ll buy them…well it worked for me (though I believe I prefer others….neither here nor there)

Anywho 4 hours later I remove the package from the freezer, and I’d be a liar if I wasnt thinking about those tasty ice cream on a stick things as I hurriedly stuck it iin my pocket.
The package was cold but yay! no freezer burn! I open the package and yes the applicator was cold, So I ….
The applicator was cold, not like Ice Man taking advantage cold. More like jumping in a pool in May cold, but God bless America, the actual tampon was only slightly cool.
It was a chilling experience and makes me wonder if there actually are people who do this junk.
But I climbed Mt. Everest and I conquered.

When I started vomiting, I knew Game Over on Save Myself with Cranberry Juice. If indeed I had a kidney infection instead of or along with kidney failure/diabetes/cancer/AIDS, I was getting in the stage before it gets in your blood and damages your kidneys, which = FUCKED. Little did I know how difficult it actually would be to see a doctor.

My mother called the local Medac urgent care, which takes Medicaid if you’re first approved. Sort of takes the point away from ‘urgent’ doesn’t it?

My mother called Social Services and I could be approved for a certain doctor’s office, so we called there, and they could  pencil me in on November 15. Great. I might literally be dead by then! They suggested I go to the emergency room if I couldn’t wait that long. Perhaps it’s unfair of me to be cross since they had never seen me before, but cross I was and am. Here I am trying to die here and all, dang.

I hope y’all won’t be cross, but gonna stop here and continue later. I can’t believe I’ve written this much and only now get to my guest appearance on ER.  Anyway, in Part 2 expect our heroine to go to the damn emergency room, return to her version of ‘normal,’ and get freaked out at the therapist.  Important junk like that!

23 thoughts on “Rumors of My Death: Episode I

    • I was determined! Was convinced I was getting gum disease. It stops burning after a while. But I don’t recommend it.
      Will get on top of the rest of the story shortly. We’re now also on LP, 8-track, and Beta for your convenience.


  1. throughout my life i have often thought i was dying… cancer, aids, lupus – you name it… and i too have avoided the doctor since i became an adult and no one could force me to go ha!

    it would seem my punishment for all that avoidance is a bi-weekly visit to the neurologist and let’s not forget the vampires at the lab who love my blood

    i’m glad you are feeling better and not dying or anything 😉


    • Me too! I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble now. I still won’t go to the doctor. I’m supposed to have learned a lesson from my infection, but hell no I still won’t go. Hope you’re having a good weekend.


  2. I wonder how many people have symptoms of one thing and think it must be somthing fatal. Searching the internet is always a fun past time trying to match symptoms. Once after putting in the smyptoms of somthing I can’t even remember now as I was reading in horor I realized I was on a Vet website. Mildly relieved, that ended my search and self diagnoss. I’m glad you lived to tell the story.


  3. What is "Oral Thrush"? I went to Catholic school, and I swear I remember the nuns telling me I'd get this if I ever hung out with any boys.

    But now you're telling me it's the result of too much Listerine?? How are we supposed to make it in this world if we can't even freshen our breath and gums without fear of the "thrush"?!!


  4. What is “Oral Thrush”? I went to Catholic school, and I swear I remember the nuns telling me I’d get this if I ever hung out with any boys.

    But now you’re telling me it’s the result of too much Listerine?? How are we supposed to make it in this world if we can’t even freshen our breath and gums without fear of the “thrush”?!!


  5. I now have a fear of oral thrush. I had always assumed that was what happened when a girl got too excited during oral sex and you accidentally swallowed her vagina. I’m glad you don’t have that.

    I’m also glad you’re feeling better!


  6. Oral thrush is a pain in the throat! However, is better than the other yeast infection 😉 thanks for stopping by my blog and your kind words.


  7. For goodness sakes, Lisa. One of the standard means of overcoming irrational fears is to accept that you have a fear, and then do the rational thing anyway. I’m scared shitless of dentists, all those fierce-looking instruments of torture (eek) – BUT I STILL GO! I can’t keep my own teeth clean enough without their services. Another thing that might help the rational part of your brain is knowing that by far most bleeding in urine during unexpected times (like “Not 28 Days Later”) is caused by infections. Infections are easily treatable, unless you wait until they spread. They are still treatable, just not as easily. I understand, though. Most of our patients who have pneumonia could have saved themselves money and pain if they had come in and gotten a few pills or a breathing/steam/suction treatment when they had “a touch” of bronchitis.

    You are still one of the funniest writers I know, even when you are being wussy.


  8. And important it is, as in seriously important. Oral thrush reminds me of the time when I was a rather crude non-gentleman and I tried to get a bird to give me a knobber. I’d be kind to say bird beaks suck, but they don’t very well. I’ve since graduated to other mammals.

    Truly enjoyed your latest and awaiting the further adventures of Lisa’s vagina.


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