I thought I was over my mother, p everything is bringing it back. To die by Coronavirus isn’t so different from dying by sepsis caused by pneumonia. I feel unbearable guilt that I’m still alive. If I could take on someone’s else’s virus so that they might be OK, I would.
I survived the illness that killed my mother. My mother was such a nice person, worth 20 of me. Most people loved her, and she had been a productive human being unlike me.
I am in part responsible for my mother’s death. If I had not insisted on going to be with my friend at the emergency room when she had a panic attack, my mom would not have been in the waiting room where she no doubt picked up the pneumonia that killed her. If I had taken her temperature and begged her even more than I did, maybe she’d be alive today.
I may have finally met the man who will avenge my mom today. I was at the bus stop by the hospital and he came up to me, smelling vaguely like hand sanitizer or alcohol. He wanted change for 5.00 and would take anything to get home. I could only find 2.50 and I was just going to let him have it, but he handed me the 5.00… I should have told him the bus takes 5.00 bills, but I didn’t because I’m a piece of shit. He seemed crazy and had a hospital band on. And then he started coughing.
I sat long enough so he wouldn’t think I was fleeing from him due to plague, but got away as soon as I could. He said the cops kept circling and he hadn’t done anything illegal yet.
I left the house because I wanted to turn in my disability review, but Social Security was closed for Corona Madness. I put it in mail.
I’m going to get drunk.