I’m starting to realize I don’t belong anywhere, and the best thing I can do is stay away from people. I’m never going to stop being annoying, people are only going to barely tolerate me, and most secretly dislike me. I’m just too flawed a person. Someone told me I was an ‘incessant virtue signaler’ and that I can never figure out if ‘something’s a joke’ and that these are terrible qualities. Oh, and that I’m not a good writer.

Then, someone called me ‘creepy, ‘ and I was done.

I take jokes too far, and I’m often the punchline of other’s jokes. It’s just like in high school where I was the brut of every joke and I went along to be liked.

I’m so tired.

2 thoughts on “Intolerable

  1. If virtue signalling is taken to mean giving insincere expressions of compassion or moral outrage to cover for personal feelings of guilt, I would say you seem pretty sincere in your sorrow at other’s suffering and anger at other’s bad behaviour, but that you certainly load yourself down with guilty feelings.

    Picking up that someone is joking can require being free of distress enough to be able to look at ourselves and our situation from the outside. I have a friend with schizophrenia and he has trouble picking up on jokes, not surprisingly because he is caught up with the troubled thoughts in his head. You don’t have his problem, but if you are caught up in depression and anxiety, it wouldn’t be surprising if you sometimes misread another’s facetiousness. And people can use pretend humour as a form of bullying as well – say something insulting about you and then put you down further if you take it seriously. But you often express such wonderful dark humour in your writing that it is clear you have a good grasp of funny.

    So much of other people’s response to us can have to do with feeding their own psychological needs. Some people have to put someone else down to keep from feeling inferior themselves.

    The internet can be such a dangerous place for our self-acceptance. When people meet in the flesh, there are lots of body language clues and a tendency to be more restrained by the habits of civility. It is easy to toss around insults and fly off the handle without thinking when we are communicating from a distance, and also we can be alone with the ravages it inflicts upon us.

    Having a hunger for acceptance from others can be very debilitating – like being a homeless person who has to eat whatever someone will give them no matter how rotten.

    Feeding your own self-acceptance is the key, but what works for you in terms of doing that? The point is that the more you feel good about yourself, the less likely people are to treat you badly and the more likely it is that they will come to like you.

    Liked by 1 person

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