Misery and Despair

She’s my only friend who exists on this side of the screen and I don’t want to lose her. But about 3 days ago, she began ripping me to shreds again just as bad as she’s ever done. She stopped awhile when I was in a deep depression, but now it’s back in full swing just as I was crawling out of my hole. Everything that could possibly get to me:

  • Lazy retard
  • My videos are moronic
  • I’m a ‘train wreck’
  • I’m neglectful of the strays

I’m just laying here miserable and worthless. I threw things, screamed, and just had a total meltdown alone. Then my fucking sorry POS self crawled into bed.

She can be so nice, but I know the slightest thing will set her off. For instance, New Year’s Eve. I forgot to tell her which Dollar General I was at because there are two near me. She made me wait two hours to pick me up in a sketchy area and berated the shit out of me while waiting. And when I’m that upset, I meltdown. The cashier at DG knew. She could see that I was bawling outside, loud anguishing sobs I could barely control. My friend came and had us eat at a restaurant there that she knows I don’t like to go to because the manager thinks I’m trash. I really wonder if I have autism because I totally lose my shit sometimes loudly. My therapist doesn’t think so because I crave relationships with other people.

It’s the Dependent Personality Disorder part of me that will take her shit and not lash out back for fear of being completely alone. I don’t want anyone living with me or making my decisions for me unless I ask, but I don’t want to be alone either. I’d have no one. Honestly, if she lost me, she’d be pretty much alone, too.

She says I have no ambition, but in my heart of hearts, I want to write a blog and articles that people read. I want to become known on YouTube and actually be liked for being a “train wreck,” i.e being myself. I want to feel loved. I want to matter just enough to be worth my skin. I want to help someone.

Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, I got a short form disability review. I’m always afraid of losing my benefits, becoming homeless, and dying in an alley. So, I need to call my therapist first thing Monday. I think I need a squeeze in.

Back in 2012, I was in a mental hospital. I guess things could be worse.

One thought on “Misery and Despair

  1. Sometimes people tend to take out their frustrations with themselves on somebody else. You can’t take them as a trustworthy guide to yourself. You are doing something creative with your videos. You never know where that can take you. One idea can lead to another. Always remember that there are people who are going to be pissed of with you making progress with things if they feel that they are not. And they will pick on your weak points. But you know that you are intelligent and that, while you may be drained of energy when fighting negative thoughts, you aren’t lazy. if you can hold on to a realistic view then maybe you can say, if only to yourself, “Like that’s just your opinion…”

    Everyone makes mistakes. The more hung up we get on criticising ourselves or taking on board the unhelpful criticism of others the more energy gets diverted from turning our experiences into something positive.

    I think the spirit you put into your YouTube videos is great. There is a lot to be said for “letting it all hang out” – for having fun doing things your own sloppy but enthusiastic way. It can be fun and it sends the message – “It’s O.K. to be geeky and silly and get joy in the little things.” So often we see people trying to be slick and cool, and so it’s an important thing for people to see that they don’t have to be that fake – that there is fun to be had in just following your own enthusiasm. You just have to be prepared to be called a “moron” or “retard” occasionally. Sometimes that’s the price of authenticity or originality.

    You’ve helped me. When you talked about the YouTube video by the guys who were expressing disbelief in mental illness, that got me thinking down a very productive line. I’m thinking about eventually doing a YouTube video based on some of the ideas I express in my talk with you on Twitter. You don’t know what help you may be giving people when you are just yourself, giving expression to what concerns you. That’s how life works. We can’t know what the outcomes will be of the things we do. We just have to plow on and follow our spark, refusing to let it be damped down by those who don’t appreciate it.


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