I can’t keep going on like this. I’m not suicidal, just pathetic. I can think everyone is fine with me and then a text. It happened twice in 24 hours. Two different people. I can’t take this thinking everything is fine and then  angry texts. They happen in such sneaky places. On the bus, by the pool. When you least think you’ve done something wrong. I’m starting to be afraid to look. The last one really did me in though. I’d been over at a friend’s house taking care of her while she was sick. I thought I’d done everything right. I went and checked on her bird and played a game on her PC because her internet wouldn’t connect. She never hot mad at me before for being on her computer when I sat with her bird.

Apparently I left the game running and she blamed me for the internet not working. She enjoined me not to fuck with her computer when I’m over there again. Maybe normal people wouldn’t get as upset as I did, but I thought I’d gone out of my way to help her and this is how she repays me. Not long before, maybe a week ago, she had called me a “fucking idiot” and there’s still a bad taste in my mouth from swallowing that down. I told my therapist that standing up for myself only gets me in worse trouble.

I’m just lying here wishing I’d never wake up. I’m such a failure. I hear teens call me at the pool “the old lady” and and the kids, “the cat lady.” They rarely  talk to me, which is fine, less entanglements less trouble. I don’t think people even see me as a real person.

One thought on “

  1. I don’t know if it will help, but when I have trouble with something electrical, like a computer or television, I immediately look for someone to blame. It’s frustrating when something doesn’t work and it seems to relieve a little of that frustration if we can find a scapegoat. So it may have little to do with what you did or how your friend feels about you when things are going the way they would like them to. It kind of sounds like you were in wrong place at the wrong time.

    And if people put you in a box as “the cat lady”, or something like that, it is because they don’t really know you. It makes us feel more secure to put the elements of our environment into neat little boxes. Unless someone has had a chance to get to know you, then that is what you are – simply an element of their environment. Clearly you know you are much more than simply “the cat lady”. You can chose to share the other aspects of your nature with others or not.


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