When I was younger, particularly before I became medicated, my OCD was garden variety. Blasphemous phrases in the tulips, fear of becoming homicidal pushing up in the daisies, infectious blood in the bleeding hearts.
But the roses in my OCD garden kept my mother. All the years I spent worrying about something happening to my mother, hyper vigilant, trying to evade her mortality, yet in the end she died just the same.
Nowadays my garden variety case of OCD has died for the most part and is mulch for another monster, a weed that began years ago.
Now my mind is a courthouse. Not a Florida courthouse where you can get off for the darndest things, more like “kill ’em all or make ’em wear pink” Arizona. The judge in my head is merciless and ready to throw the book.
My crime is my inferiority complex. I want to measure up to the rest of the world and I fail. My judge hates my frailty. I pray and pray that I can measure up to normal people, but I keep making mistakes everyday. I keep making people mad. I keep making myself mad. My judge asks me, “What use are you to anyone?”
“Dunno. I take care of my cats.”
I know the truth. If I died tomorrow, no one would be inconsolable. The one person who needed me is ashes in a plastic box. People loved my mother. I was just her quiet daughter, the one folks assumed was ‘slow.’
In a way not being needed is liberating. Being around people tends to remind me of my faults. I like being around people, but I don’t like seeing the various ways that I fail. I sometimes feel like a leper around humans. I mean well, but as that drag queen I used to live with said, ‘you’re a boil on my ass that I just can’t lance.” Ah, but everyday that boil survives on her own, makes the sun shine where the sun don’t shine.
On a positive note, my eyes are healthy (apart from being blind as a bat without my glasses). I bet it’s been over 10 years since my last eye examination. I was afraid they’d find macular degeneration in my eyes since it runs in the family.
I once had my glasses adjusted at that office while my friend was there getting new glasses. The attendant remembered me because of my award-winning personality….and the super glue prominent on my left lens.
Related articles
- Guest Post: Common Myths about OCD (ocdbloggergirl.wordpress.com)
- Poet Neil Hilborn “OCD” (fireflydance.net)
- OCD sufferer’s poem becomes overnight worldwide sensation (wellthisiswhatithink.wordpress.com)
- The Nonsense of OCD (ocdtalk.wordpress.com)
- Post-partum OCD: What causes the unthinkable anxiety disorder and how to get help. | Babble (babble.com)
- Neil Hilborn – “OCD” (Rustbelt 2013) (worldofzhi.wordpress.com)
- Understanding OCD in Dogs (dogs.answers.com)
- Man With OCD Performs Love Poem About OCD Whilst Exhibiting OCD Symptoms (fastcocreate.com)
- OCD… Obsessively Cool Disorder (liamtristanevans.wordpress.com)
Ocdbloggergirl's Blog: OCD, Life, and Other Misunderstandings 
Comparison is a bitch. The basis for mental health is unconditional self-acceptance. Even if you were saying : “I’m so much better than the rest” or “At least I’m not as bad as…” you would be caught up in the cage of self-justification. You seem caught up in the cage of self-condemnation.
You are an intelligent human being with the capacity to live a happy and creative life. No mistakes you may have made or negative thinking you currently have can take that away.
Even if you could live up to your expectations about yourself it wouldn’t make you happy. That isn’t how happiness and mental health works. You can’t earn these things through “wins”, through victories in the challenges of life. Such “wins” can bring some temporary relief, but they don’t answer the need for a longer-term sense of well-being.
Happiness and health come through opening up and making a connection, whether with other people, your cats, the flowers and trees, the sunshine… You do something creative when you write and make connections with other people on-line, and I’m sure you do some similarly creative things in other aspects of life.
What you need is not to struggle to meet some standard you may have for yourself or which you may feel that other people have for you, but to learn to let go of things – perfectionism, fear, guilt, idealism… If you have feelings or thoughts which you see as troublesome, don’t fight with them, but rather let them go, let them out in some way. I know it can be hard, but at least if you have it in mind as something to aim for.
The idea that a “who gives a f#$%?” attitude leads to a better result than a conscientious one can be counter-intuitive, but there is a saying, I think Buddhist, which says : “As long as man strives he will fail.” What I take that to mean is that we need to learn to relax and not try to achieve things by force of will. If we can achieve a truly self-accepting state of mind, progress can happen with comparative effortlessness.
Trying to do something by force of will is like trying to get a slave to build a house for you by whipping him constantly. If you don’t abuse him, you feed him well and you befriend him so that he works freely rather than as a slave, he will work faster and more efficiently.
I’m sure you know that your self-criticism doesn’t help you at all in achieving what you want to achieve, rather it is the very thing stopping you from achieving much at all. Learning to let go of it is the challenge and that may take some practice. If we want to learn to accept ourselves unconditionally we have to accept the fact that we won’t always accept ourselves unconditionally, but if we can learn to accept that we will be moving in the right direction.
Some people find that affirmations are useful, but I think some affirmations are more affective than others. I suggested to a friend that he repeat : “I am acceptable” and he seems to have found it useful. It’s simple, to the point and doesn’t set up high expectations which might not be met.
LikeLike
I am acceptable. I am acceptable. I’ll remember that Ozzie. Wish you still had your winking koala. Where did he run off to? thanks!!!
LikeLike
The winking koala is still around on Facebook. I probably should add an avatar on here. I’m not overly keen on the default. What is it supposed to be, a talking amoeba? :oP Two koalas here might be confusing though. I think I can find something else which might be appropriate and make you smile. :o)
LikeLike
Having trouble adding an avatar. I’ll see if this works. It comes up fine on the WordPress scroll of sites I subscribe to, but not on your site itself. Hmmm.
LikeLike
Ah, success. 🙂
LikeLike
Hey, I’ve been so worried about you!
Has life settled down a little bit for you? I felt your pain as if it was my own. I even wrote a post for some of my followers…one was you. Don’t worry as I never mentioned anyone. It was just a post in love and support of the people that are suffering with Depression right now.I hate how bad you’ve been left to feel about yourself. It doesn’t seem fair or right!
I’m not blind without my glasses, but I can’t read without them. Lol everything is a blur and I just squint! Lol I hug you and hope life is being a bit kinder to you. Hugs and love from down under. Paula xx
LikeLike
I am fine now, Paula, thanks very much for caring. I truly appreciate it! I must admit I’ve been a terrible reader of late, but will look now and reblog it too. Thank you!!!
LikeLike
I’m so happy. You had me so worried for you!
Your beautiful Lisa and I believe in spirits. So to me your mum is looking over you. We can’t change what people think of us, but we change how we feel about ourselves. Really proud that you pulled through. Huge hug. Paula xxxooo
LikeLike
It takes a courage and will with open up and speak from the heart. In a way, we all live in a variety of gardens. Some visible. Others enclosed. Either way, it needs to be nurtured no matter how harsh the weather may be. Thanks for sharing.
LikeLike