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2 Weeks and 1 Day

Lisa20 Comments

It ‘s exactly 2 weeks and 1 day since my life changed forever. My mother’s mortal remains are still in the hospital morgue, but since I’m not Jeffery Dahmer, I don’t know how much refrigeration halts decomposition. I would like to see my mother again, but even if I could, it’s doubtful I would. I remember my mother’s body moments after she passed, respirator removed, mouth contorted to stay open and smiling from that device. It’s over now.

Maybe someone is seeing for the first time through my mother’s eyes. Maybe she or he retains my mother’s essence, her goodness and knowledge absorbed in subtle ways into this person’s psyche. Maybe this justifies my mother’s quick death at only 68. 

I think my mother is with me. I hope she sees and hears, whispering to me what to do.

20 thoughts on “2 Weeks and 1 Day”

  1. There isn’t much I can say except that I am thinking of you and wondering how you are managing. I wish there were answers to these tough and agonizing questions we humans ask. Today I got an email from a former adoption colleague that the second son she and her ex adopted from Africa died after a car accident. He was a adopted as an older child and had over 40 surgeries to reconstruct his face after Cheryl adopted him. She is asking the big WHY of course and is heartbroken. Sometimes there are just no answers and the only thing we can do is to survive and find a way to have meaning and joy in our lives as a tribute to the ones we have lost. Nobody can ever take away your memories and I guarantee that in time they will become less painful to call up and will begin to evoke smiles and fewer tears.

    I am glad to hear your mother was a donor and that in iteself is a legacy. You are also part of her legacy. While you are still understandably focusing on the why’s and haven’t yet been able to move on to the how’s just yet, you can’t forget that you are indeed part of her purpose in this world, as well as your own.

    I am having trouble with wordpress subscriptions and comments even to my own blog so have to remember to access this directly but wonder if anyone else is not getting their wordpress subscription mails and comments.

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    • Doing much better I think, thanks., The way that I make sense of it is if she had lived longer, her health would have deteriorated, and she might have ended up like my grandmother did. For the last 13 years of my grandmother’s life she was on oxygen and a miserable invalid. My mom would’ve hated that.
      But I still ask why.
      I don’t think I’m having trouble with wordpress, but haven’t been around too much to notice.

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      • Lisa, that is so true. I have seen many people deteriorate and suffer. I saw this with my brother, my sister, my first husband, my mother and now with my mother-in-law and my brother-in-law. They did suffer a great deal as they declined. It is not the kind of existence I would want for myself and to me, the quality of life is very important. It is small comfort to those of us who are left behind, but at least until the end your mother was well and active and able to do what she needed and wanted for the most part. There will be many ups and downs for you, as it is part of the normal process of grieving and the only way we can get through it is….to go through it. We do recover from our grief but we do not stop missing our lost loved ones.

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      • How are you coping with the practicalities Lisa? Do you have enough money? Are you eating okay?
        If you get the chance, maybe you could share some of those things with us out here in the blogosphere.
        Some people might be able to make helpful suggestions but, equally important, writing about the when,where and hows might help others to understand the everyday difficulties that need to be faced amongst the enormity of your trauma.

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  2. dear lisa…. i have been thinking of you a lot these past weeks…wondering how you are doing… i agree with Iris, being a donor is a wonderful legacy and a tribute to the human essence…

    i am one who believes your mom is with you… she is watching over you and helping to guide you. i believe that all those that pass before us are somehow an influence in our lives forever… they are our angels….

    i will continue to send prayers up for you and your mother…. it will get easier lisa… and you have so much life left to live, so much to offer to this world…

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  3. This is a loss that can also elevate your life, Lisa, as you grow and continue to survive. You can learn to live fully as an adult woman, and make your own choices. In one way, it is your mother’s last gift to you while on Earth. She’ll be giving you more in the future, as you gain deeper understanding of the times you shared with her.

    You’re in my thoughts and prayers. It’s all right to hurt. It honors your relationship. Just keep going.

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  5. Lisa, seeing her now is only seeing the outer shell, the spirit has been released and is free of the broken body.
    Only you can know in your heart if seeing the shadow of your mother’s former self will bring you closure or make remembering her as she really was, harder.

    Personally I think that since you were with her when she died then you already know how she will look, and that it’s maybe better to say goodbye in other ways.

    You have a talent for writing… maybe just sitting down and writing her a long long letter would be a good idea, pour out your heart, make it personal, tell her everything you want her to know and let the emotions loose.
    Let the tears flow, tell her about your fears and uncertainties, your hopes, dreams and goals.
    If it helps, seal the letter up and leave it with her later when it’s time for the funeral it can go with her to her final resting place and that may help give you some peace.

    I hope you have been seeing a lot of the Social Workers and that you are getting help with day to day things, take all the help on offer, because it doesn’t stay on offer forever.

    Look on this as a BIG step in life, the start of a new phase in YOU: Lisa’s life, where you can show the world that you CAN rise up to meet new challenges and that even though on one hand part of your world is now closed,that a greater part is now open to you and that you CAN become an independent and happy woman, which your mother would be so proud of.

    First the tears and the adjustment…two weeks and one day isn’t long, but it’s probably felt like eternity already right? Baby steps, you CAN do this .. write when you can… we are here to encourage you and send BIG virtual HUGS!!!

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  9. I am sorry it has been so long since I “dropped by” and am only now reading of your sad news. I am so sorry for you Lisa. Mothers are so very precious.
    As said in previous comments, writing is very good therapy. Keep at it. As well as being good for you, reading what you have to say on the passing of your Mum and all the surrounding stories (organ donation, hospitals, family, growth) will help others along the way.
    Know that there are many out here in cyber-world who are sending best wishes to you.

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  11. She’s with you. Don’t doubt that for one moment. I truly believe that there is something else out there and that death may take a body but the spirit never dies. I think this same spirit continues to remain with us, comforting us, until it knows that we no longer need it around and can move forward without it. I’ve lost both my parents. My mother was only 63 when she passed. I know you’ll understand when I say that it mattered little that I was an adult at the time, but that I still felt orphaned. It was a devastating loss. It was the first pain I experienced that I couldn’t find a way to fix or make go away. And it doesn’t go away, but life goes on, you begin to cope, and eventually you begin to smile again, enjoy life, and feel blessed of the time you had with them. Trust me. And she would want it that way. She loved you and would want you to be happy. Above all else, you need to remember that…because that is what will push you forward. I pray for healing for you during this difficult time.

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