Global warming caused this, thinks Al Gore, staring at the horror outside of his door. Is it snowing in June? No. The ultimate horror film scenario unfolds before his eyes. Bunnies, white sweet little bunnies fall to the ground. Hopping, doing jigs, going this way and that, filling the island neighborhood of the environmentalist’s vacation home. Soon there is no ground at all, just teeming masses of white fur.
Just then, Al saw a neighbor coming out on his porch. Jim Bob is the CEO of a lucrative alcoholic beverage company whose success mirrors the plot of a Horatio Alger book had Alger wrote From Drunken Boy Jim to Functioning Alcoholic CEO.
“S’up, Al? ” twangs Jim Bob.
“Umm, Jimm Bobb?” Al replies as fast as he can, which , let’s be honest, isn’t that fast at all.
Jim Bob had held an exclusive wine tasting all the previous night, so exclusive that he had only invited himself. This perhaps makes him at a disadvantage to notice the ground below him obliterated by white fur. What happens then takes place in the span of 15 seconds . Jim Bob’s glazed eyes meet one red eye in the front, and as though it is the signal to attack, a white wave of fur swirls up the lengthy stairs to cover Jim Bob. When the wave of white recedes, all that remains of the man who was Jim Bob McLure was his jawbone.
“Ohhh the humanityy! ” cries Al as he bars his door. It’s moments like this when I wish The Tipper was still around. Maybe global warming caused the bunnies to condensate and return to earth mutated into rabid rabbit carnivores when solidified. I see a book in this: An Inconvenient Bunny.
Ah, Al, this story isn’t over yet.
Suddenly Global Warming or Mother Nature or somebody shuts off the bunny deluge as the bunnies eat anyone in sight.
And then the truly unthinkable happens. Kittens! Sweet, innocent little kittens raining from the sky. Kittens of all breeds and colors falling onto the blood thirsty bunnies. But the bunnies don’t eat the falling critters. Instead the multitude of kittens start eating the bunnies until there are no more bunnies.
And everyone on the island that’s still alive and many others in the surrounding counties each got a kitten. And they all lived happily ever after.
(Author’s note: You can go ask Alice, but I don’t think she’ll know.)
(Author’s profound statement: Yes, I proudly voted for Gore in 2000. I believe in global warming too, but not as much worried as some people are.)
Working title for the movie version: The Hossenfeffer Horror