Ok, so my last post was semi-depressing, so moment of brevity before I do Part II of my most exciting, depressing memoir.
Did y’all read Vodka’s story of the Motrin Baby? Here’s a link, really funny stuff: http://vodkaandgroundbeef.wordpress.com/2010/08/12/the-pain-of-giving-up-an-unattractive-child/
So on that blog, I wrote this in the comment section after some chap said the post was “juvenile and appalling.” Some folks ain’t got no sense of humor I guess:
Juvenile and Appalling: A Memoir of Shame, Addiction, and Healing by Vodka G. Beef
Vodka G. Beef reveals the shocking truth of the downward spiral of Motrin addiction, a drug as addictive as heroin and Red Bull combined. With a brave voice, Beef tells how a good girl with a headache is led astray into Los Angeles’ underbelly of crime, prostitution, and over-the-counter analgesic abuse. You will feel the raw emotions of dealing with an unwanted pregnancy while feeding a drug habit and her fight for survival. This leads to the most important decision of young Vodka’s life as she decides to selflessly gives up her ugly orange baby to the L.A. River, setting the stage for a baby who would grow up to be one of the most influential comedians America has ever known.
Soon to be a Lifetime Television Movie Event starring Markie Post!
So today I wrote a reply to Vodka’s very kind comment on my Family Dollar Post, but I decided to share it with y’all while giving her a promo. :
Maybe we could combine it with the Motrin Abuse story, for a powerful film. Marki Post could make it work, Sort of like the lamest tv movie ever Chasing the Dragon w. Markie as a heroin addict. Chasing the Motrin at the Family Dollar
Something happens when you’re walking home in 90 degree weather with a big bag of groceries and a 12 pack of coke balanced in your arm. A feeling of dread. A feeling of longing, like a lost soul without Mapquest. You see the man by the bus stop. He looks, nods, and waves you over.
What does he want?
“Hey baby, you look kinda tired. Got something to help you feel better. Come back to my place.”
“Ok!” you say. He looks like such a nice man, 7 feet tall and a gold tooth glittering against the sun. Besides this is a TV movie and it’s what one does. Lucky for us this story is only about drugs, tune in at 7pm for She Said OK: The Dixie Smith Story for the next Violence Against Women flick, followed by Golden Girls.
The apartment looks like an opium den for dramatic effect, people sitting against walls smoking and shooting up.
“You can sit your groceries on top of that passed out guy on the table.”
He leads you to the bathroom , where someone is vomiting into the toilet. He closes the door and pays the vomiter no mind once they’re inside with him. “I’m doing you a favor, baby. Giving you some of my secret stash.”
He opens the medicine cabinet and takes out the Motrin bottle, a small mirror, and a razor blade. He pulls a rolled dollar from his pocket. He uses the razorblade to chop up an orange pill. “Do a a line with me?”
“OOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKK” Your voice is in slow motion as you make the defining moment of your life. Slow mo’ is great for dramatic effect. The screen fades to black as you and Mr. Nice Gold Tooth take turns snorting Motrin with the dollar bill, dramatic music playing
DISCLAIMER: No aspersions to Motrin. No, you can’t get high on it (I don’t reckon). Just a PARODY, dearest Motrin.