My Rodrigo Penthouse Parody: The Affair of The Wax and Spray-On Tan

Dearest Penthorse,

I needs for me to to tell you of my bloggy man very sexy and how I make for a mistake in the judgings. You sees, I knows he keeps for the subscribings the Penthorse for the articles when his female wife makes for the headaching, yes? He may reads this and make for the forgiving of The Rodrigo I hope.

OK, my bloggy man more sexy come all here long far away to visit The Rodrigo to Florida because I makes promise for him I make him sexy man hot like The Rodrigo. But I knows my elderly monied female wife no understanding so I takes him to fine hotel called Super the 8 to make him for the sexy.

“By favor, Mr. Bloggy Man,” I make for to say to him, “You takes clothes off, yes?”

“No ways” say the Bloggy Man to I, The Rodrigo! Can you believes?

“But you must haves no clothes for treatment for to make you sexys for the mans and the womans, yes?”

“I no knows for this,” says Mr. Bloggy Man. “I no onesexual. I make for the sexy for my female wife.”

I sees he is in the nile that no wants to makes sexy for the both sexes.

“Is OK, is OK to be a bothsexual like The Rodrigo, or no, like man super the macho. Me understand.” He is sitting in the bed looking for the sad and thinkful. I runs my fist through his hairs and say how ok he is. “But, who you wants for the loving thinks for you have hair too much on the body. I wants you to make for you beautiful sexy bloggy man for any sex, yes?”

“You does that for me?” he ask.

“Clearly that yes!” I make for happy little dancing over floor. I stops. “You takes clothes off now?”

I takes one look at Mr. Bloggy Man with the no clothings. I makes for to shriek.

“What hell matters for you?” He ask.

“You have to many hairs!”

“Well for shit, man.. I thinks I just average for hairs.”

“Maybe for the America and the Spain that makes for normal.” I turns my pretty little nose up at silly American Bloggy Man. “No makes flies in my Brasil. No makes flies in The Rodrigo!” I spits on floor to emphasis.

“Oh, that makes for gross, man!” He look like he make for clothings, but I grabs thems. “Give backs me my clothings, little bitch!”

“Eh? Clearly that makes for no. Just makes for listens to me by favors please.”

“What then,” says the Bloggy Man. He nearly metre bigger as me and he looks like he have much the anger at The Rodrigo.

“I can makes you the beautiful man most sexy if you let me for you. The womans all thinks you for sexy after I do you.” And the mans also, but I thinks to myself I may keeps that in my head for now. For some mens the metrosexual and the bothsexual are hid to finds more later. I decides I helps him hunts for later and thens I tells him the womans all for the liking the bothsexuals. They finds it makes for much sexy…I wants to tell him but insteads I takes out the hot wax.

“Does that have the hurt?” he asks and looks at the door with much the longing.

“Eh, what? Clearly that no! Well, just tiny little pinches at the first, but no problems very shortly. You makes for the use to it very soon and no hurts it all I make promise.”

“Fine. Just gets it over.” He makes for to sigh. “I hopes my wife likes it.”

“Clearly that is for yes. Nows you just lays back and The Rodrigo fixes everythings. I just sets this wax a down on bed table and now I takes off my clothings.” I takes off my shirt so he may basks in the results for my works, my perfect torso, smooth much uber sexy. I starts for to remove my much short much tight shorts. Very much for style this year.

“What for fuck?!” He makes for yelling louds enough for all the Super the 8 to hears.

I stops and looks at him for to question. “I just wants to not gets much waxes on my clothings. My married female wife might make much fuss I make a mess of 500 dollars shorts.But if it much deal for you I no takes off the shorts. But if you likes, I can shows you much fast the areas around my happy stick so you gets idea how you looks after I do you.”

“Fuck no!” He makes for screams at The Rodrigo. These Americans much to fond for the yelling, the swearing, and for the being the prude. But I makes for to pleasure my customers, so I mention happy glory stick no more. We both mans. I no see big for the deal any the way.

So we starts and there he go the screaming and making the curses again. “OH FOR THE SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!” and such sillies. For big man super macho he make lot of noises when I pulls off the waxing. I sure my married female elderly wife hears him from her balcony 4 kilometres aways and she near the deaf. Especially when I do around his man stuffs.

But I finally done that, front and the back. No more mustache goaty for uber macho man. I fixes him good. Bye the bye eye bros. I will fix him new eye bros with seductive slants making for man of mystery with my pencil of eyes….after I spray all over tan for him.

“Bad part over now, Mr. Bloggy Man. I makes for finishes you now. Please by favor, stand.”

So he makes for to stand and I spray him all over the tan, very sexy. “It dry in the 5 minutes.”

But only taking 2 minutes for me to see something not so right. Instead of beautiful bronze Brasil man color I hope for, he is making a much red color!

“Is it normal for me to make much itch after tan spray?” He ask, “and for make swelling?”

“Eh…yes?” I make for answer and keep the watch as white man go all red and skin go plump like riped tomato.

But for the worse, his man stick keep growing and the widening. It was like my best favorite dream turn into my worst nightmare!

He soon starts for scratching so much hard like he trying to rip his skin off of himself. “Gets it off! Gets it off!”

He runs to the bathsroom and takes to the shower. Throughs water shower I hears him yelling for me to calls the 911.

“OK, Mr. Bloggy Man!” But for then I starts to have the panic. One problem with having much panic: The Rodrigo forgets the English speaking and goes back to the Portuguese of my native Brasil. I tells lady over and the over in the Portuguese that I near kill a bloggy man and needs for an ambulance before his penis makes for the exploding, but she no understand. Finally Spanish speaker dispatch understand I at Super the 8 because we have similar tongue, no?

I hears Mr. Bloggy Man still in shower. He have much anger at The Rodrigo. How is I to know he have the allergy of the tan spray? He say he going to kill me and dig up my body so he can make for to sue me, then to kills me again! The Rodrigo makes decision to takes me away to safe home in gated community of the monied elderly female wife, so when ambulance be seen I goes away. I never sees Mr. Bloggy Man again, but I hopes after much Benadryl in hospital he seen how he now be the man most sexy for the womans and the mans, hairless, very much the perfect man.

If you are reading this Penthorse letter, Mr. Bloggy Man, no more feeling hard at The Rodrigo, please.

Thanks for the time, Penthorse!

With much gratitude,

The Rodrigo

20 thoughts on “My Rodrigo Penthouse Parody: The Affair of The Wax and Spray-On Tan

  1. The Rodrigo is, like, the shits. Brasil is in serious trouble.

    That’s the funniest thing I think I’ve ever read. My keyboard is so covered in spittle, every time I type, my fingers leave snot strings.


  2. That is the nicest blog comment I ever got, and funny enough, the grossest too. I originally published this story in the comments section of Scott’s blog. The story came to me after I wrote my first comment, which was:
    Dear Bloggy man who publish the letter of the Rodrigo with no permision on the internets,

    I dont make much happy with you publish my letter to the penthorse. You steal and steal makes the Rodrigo and Tang Pussy Lady mad (Tang Puss and the Rodrigo make -how yous peoples say? -the penpalling because she in the prison and can’t make use of the Rodrigo. It makes the good my monied female wife no knows how you uses the internets or you make me into troubles with her and I have good happy life in Miami with the mans and womans.

    You just have the jelosy you not The Rodrigo. I invent the sex and the womans and mens alls want me no you. Look at my body, then you looks at you. You have much hairs and I have smooth no hairs. I have the sexy. You dreams of me being you.
    I have much kindness and make nice, yes? You need help make the sexy man? You comes here and I make you smooth and the sexy like me. I heat the wax, pluck the eye bros, and give you all over spray tans so yous looks Brasil also much. We haves much fun you and the Rodrigo.
    One question, permit me? Are you bothsexual or onesex? I just ask.
    See you soon I make hope,
    The Rodrigo


    • Why you make hope I onesex or bothsex? How you know I make sex? I make sex; I no make sex. Sometime chicken; sometime mayor the city. The Rodrigo, he teach make anything. The Rodrigo, he much good. The jammer, he learn much quick.


      • He want for to make the sex with the mans and the womans. For small fee he makes you into bothsexual. Worth the each pennies.


  3. Ahh Lisa, this is another fantastic tribute to our mutual overly friendly friend. How sweet it is. I think he may almost be officially yours now, you do do (I said do do) a near perfect job with is far from perfect English!


    • I make for silly and want for making sure all mans and womans see my story. I think I have another story brewing in my head,not about The Rodrigo, which I may write out one of these days. I didn’t think I had anything in my head anymore, but what do ya know. So maybe one day soon it will appear here. I’m still of course gonna write my usual shit too, but it’s probably good I veer off the road of my usual “my OCD is for the sucking, let me make the fun of it” as Rodrigo would say.
      BTW, Rodrigo wanted me to tell you he “finds new tan spray for to make you for the sexy for the mans and the womans if you meets him at the Super the 8, yes?”


  4. OMG, that was so funny my hands are shaking! I thought that maybe you’d used The Dialectizer to get such a consistent “accent,” but none of the available dialects seem to match. 😕


    • No, I no use the dialectizer for The Rodrigo. The Rodrigo makes from my heart. You read The Scott’s “Rejected Penthouse letters?” He give The Rodrigo his first letter to the Penthorse about his ugly elderly monied female wife, so I first writes letter back to the Scott, he makes for to reply that I almost make for the perfect accent, so I decide I write for the mans and the womans about when The Rodrigo try to makes a guy like the Scott sexy for wife and the bothsexuals. I write for to make the joke for the Scott, imitation for to make the flatters, no?
      Thank you for liking it, Izak. Does my heart good to hear folks like reading my junk. I will try to puke out another story sometime soon.


  5. That is a great piece! I got a good visual from that. I don’t know I kept seeing a cheap hotel room in China, not that I actually saw a cheap hotel room in China. Ok you got me! maybe I saw one or two.
    Anyway I like this piece a lot.

    Best to you lisa …


    • Wow, thanks for visiting! I’m glad you liked it, not my usual fare. I got the idea from a fellow blogger friend, who wrote about Rodrigo finding a wife and telling the story to Penthouse. He got the Rejected Penthouse letter idea from another blogger.
      Rodrigo is actually based on a real person on a British Reality Show that I never saw, but he was such a cute little guy from his picture. Scott, who first fictionalized Rodrigo, made me want to do it too, and I expanded on it. The only truth in our renditions of him was that Rodrigo is bi and Brazilian.
      Hope you come again and I truly appreciate it!!!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s