I planned to spend the day at the pool. Instead I took a nap. That’s what I do when thrown off-kilter. Sometimes I won’t be able to re-adjust without a total restart, which is a nap and a perfection prayer. Then clean slate. Try again not to fuck everything up.

I did everything so right this morning, not cursing and getting upset when I at first couldn’t find a book I sold on Amazon. It was after I gave the cats  their flea control that trouble brewed.

“Remember to wash your hands good afterward,” Mom advised, “because it’s poison.”

OK, no problem, right? So I rub my left hand around the bar of soap and wash my hands by rubbing them together a few seconds under the cool water. I’m not too concerned when it comes to me, but I practically prep for surgery if I’m preparing something for someone lest I contaminate her or him. This is when Mommie Dearest comes in and cries, “NO WIRE HANGERS EVER!!!”

Well, actually she said, “That’s not washing! You just run your hands under water and call it washing.”



That did it.  From neutral to enraged in .5 seconds. I soap again and wash. Angry. Angry. ANGRY.

Afterward, gritting my already evenly ground teeth, I asked her if she saw me use the soap. I don’t always just rinse my hands under water. In fact, I often ritualize washing after the bathroom, preferably with liquid soap. I count to 30 or recite the Happy Birthday song a couple of times in my head, thank you very much.

I was so angry! And when she apologized it was in that annoyed martyr voice she does when she is completely frustrated with me.  Her voice dips down low and increases with each sorry. “I’m sorry….I’m sorryyy….I’m SORRY!” Needless to say it’s hard to talk to her about why I’m angry, and thinking about it now renews my anger a bit.

I gave into my feelings, altering from states of intense anger to utter hopelessness. My thoughts were in this vein: I fucking can’t do anything right. I always, always end with fucking things up. I might as well just drop dead I’m so fucking useless. I can’t even wash my hands the right way.

But I felt much better after that nap, my prayer, my assurance to myself that this time I won’t mess up some way.  I ended up at the pool after my “re-perfecting” was done.  I walked past a boy, perhaps around 9 years-old, and he asked me to use my goggles.  Pollyanna said, “Sure, as long as you give them back when you’re done.” He must never have got done with them, my $6.00 impermeable goggles. Funny, I was only somewhat annoyed by this. At least they fixed the pool filter, so my eyes will be tolerant again of the chlorine level in the water. I want my freaking goggles back though, little bastard, because I can see things better with them on, and because you’re old enough to know better than to steal. Club Ghetto/Trailer Park  strikes again!

My mom was kinda mad, though, that someone stole from me….


(Photos snatched from Photobucket and Flickr w/o permission.)




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