The Things That I Obsess Over the Most; or Let’s See How Howard Hughes-ish a Gal Can Be

This is one of those posts unburdening myself because I’m anxious, so probably won’t be the best post ever, but oh well. Here is a list of things I fear:

1. My worst fear is harming someone. I’m not one of those obsessive-compulsives who thinks she’ll kill someone somehow -much. Though butcher knives and guns in the house would scare me if we had them, because I’d imagine going crazy and doing everything I would never ever want to do. I am aware that is silly, I’m not suddenly going to do anything totally against everything I believe, but you see all these people who go nuts on TV and it’s enough to send me into a terror. I usually know I’m not going to go  crazy, that it is OCD trying to upset me. More real in my mind is the fear of causing harm by accident. What if I ran over someone someday? What if I   could save someone and somehow I don’t ? It’ll be my fault.

The obsession I worry the most about though is my fear of causing offense or hurting someone’s feelings. Most of the  time it’s all upstairs, but it scares the hell out of me. You’d think  with everything going on in the world I could find something better to panic over, but that scares me. Probably one of the roots of my social anxiety issue is this fear. Online, offline, in the air and under the sea I’ve done someone wrong I fear. I’m never good enough. I even fear that bad phrases will rush out of my mouth or I’ll write something awful and it will be…..well….awful, you know? Though I don’t have Tourette’s, unless you count that stupid brain puke flowing in a stream throughout my brain. I’m scared I’ve upset someone, and I wouldn’t deliberately, and now I don’t what to do……..I think I’m being irrational, but can’t help it.

My therapist says it’s because I’m a kind person that I have all this stuff go through my head. Why I worry about others, let others take advantage of me…etc. It makes me really wish I had that “F.U., buddy” mentality so charming among people. I am way too sensitive. I cry like a wuss if someone is nasty to me lots of the time. Can’t watch certain things on TV because it upsets me too much. I didn’t cry the other day, but since they  did one of those re-enactments of the events of this local murder victim on a cable show my friend and I watched at her house, I had the unpleasant feeling of  feeling what he was feeling a bit. Not good. Not good at all. If they had just said his body had been found all beat up, showed some blood, etc. I wouldn’t have been so upset, but they showed what they did to him before he died, the anticipation of death he must have felt. It was too real. Then on the local news they interviewed his mom who watched the program. Ugh. I was afraid she was watching it, and the fact that I’ve been to the places in the story just weirded me out. 

 I’ve been too sickeningly sensitive since I was in my middle teens and it’s a curse. Trust  me.

2. My mother’s death. I am afraid my mom will die some awful way. I’m afraid she’ll die in a car wreck, or be murdered, or die of a disease. And if i survive her death, that I won’t be able to bury or cremate her. It happened to us when my grandmother died and without help we wouldn’t have been able to bury her.  I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to afford a roof over my head, though my best friend would let me live with her permanently…..but I’m afraid we wouldn’t get  along living together because we are pretty different in a lot of ways and I’d want to live alone I think. If my mother died the only person who will ever love me unconditionally will be dead. Though in a way my best friend and I have never had a difference so bad we’d walk away from one another forever.

3. I’m never going to be loved.

4. I’m going to die alone and without setting the slightest mark that I was ever here in the first place.

5. T he flaws on my face. I scour my face for hair everyday and spend a significant time feeling for  it, thank you  Paxil that stopped my period for a couple years (a rare side effect that happens in like 1 in 10,000 people) . You can’t see  them much,  but I feel and pull to the point I’m sore and bleeding. Heck , for a little while I was shaving myself three times a day until Mom got onto me. If I imagine a man kissing me, the first thought will be of my face, even before thinking of my weight. One of these days I’m going to the laser people, so I can worry about other flaws.

6. That hell is real and I will be expected there.

7. That I will be accused of something and won’t be able to prove I didn’t do it.

8. That I have a hidden disease that will be fatal, but am too afraid  my doctor will tell me I have a disease… I just avoid going to the doctor and will not go unless I’m dying. My stomach hurts and I secretly wonder if  it’s from radiation off my netbook.

9. I’m sometimes afraid if I’m alone in public  I’ll panic, faint, and/or die. Or say the wrong thing.

10. I’m afraid I’m going to be attacked because I’m not vigilant 100 % of the time….that isn’t entirely irrational here at Shitzville Apartments trust me.

11.  I’m afraid something upset me when I was 4, but  I don’t quite remember. It’s probably  nothing. I’ll explain sometime, but it isn’t really anything all that bad.  But it probably did mess with my mind a little if it’s even true.

Anyway, I feel better. Though I’m still a bit worried. I will try to write  a better post when I am more myself. if you want to know more  about OCD ‘n junk.

12 thoughts on “The Things That I Obsess Over the Most; or Let’s See How Howard Hughes-ish a Gal Can Be

  1. You have got to take the time to spend quality time with yourself. Go shopping. lol 🙂 That always helps me. So does dark chocolate. lol 🙂


  2. Hey blogger girl!
    Let me start off by saying that I don’t know much about OCD…all I know about it is what they show on TV and how accurate can that really be? Anyhow, what I wanted to say to you is this…

    Writing…does it help you? Expressing your fears, your obsessions/compulsions…does it help to make you feel better to get it out of your head somehow? I’m curious…I was in therapy for a while as a teen..stupid shit really…anyhow, the therapist told me to write…she felt like getting thoughts or emotions out of my head would help me give up ownership of it, which is a good thing.

    I hope you don’t mind my asking you questions. And please don’t worry that you will offend. You won’t. I love reading your blog, learning about your situation and how you deal with things. It’s not morbid’s genuine. I work with people for a living and I have a huge fear of not knowing what to do in order to make them comfortable…make them feel safe in a crisis.

    Anyhow, thanks for sharing part of you.


    • Hi! Don’t mind it at all. Unfortunately, from what I saw on of The OCD Project is pretty accurate, though they are pretty extreme cases. That show makes me a bit angry. That Dr. makes me mad and I can’t help feel he’s treating them as circus acts to push farther and farther. Exposure treatment does work, but you have to be careful. If you overwhelm someone with a phobia of something you can possibly do more harm. The thing that makes me the most angry is what they did with the woman with the fear her healthy child will die. In a way it showed her how silly her rituals to save her son were, but I still couldn’t help being mad. If you missed it, they took her to the morgue of an abandoned hospital. The doctor made the woman put a picture of her son in one of those drawers they had stored bodies in, made her say how it was her fault and that she deserved his death for not performing the rituals right. But that wasn’t the worst of it. He made her pick out a casket for her child at a mortuary and stage a funeral…and read a eulogy she wrote herself.
      Then, this other dude, made me so mad too at the dr. It wouldnt have taken a genius to tell he had more problems than OCD. It turns out he has Aspberger’s syndrome and put him through cruel things, like telling God he wanted to go to hell. Growlllllllll. As for those hoarding shows, those are the worst of the worst. I’m not dirty, I just have a LOT of stuff. I don’t collect paper, milk cartons, and would not consider keeping food past expiration date…and I don’t have 30 cats, just 3 and believe me 3 is enough, lol!
      Writing helps me a lot, very cathartic, and as you no doubt know, you get a lot of very nice people coming and becoming friends. Besides, I just really like being read. Reading my problems in print makes me sometimes see how silly I’m being. Plus I have a confessing compulsion, so it’s great for that too.
      The fellow I thought I might have offended wasn’t mad at me at all! He’s such a dear soul and I was worrying over nothing.
      I have a lot of morbid curiosity and genuine curiosity too, I love blogs for that reason.
      Thanks for sharing your writing too!


      • Hi Lisa,
        I don’t like that they push those people so much either. I can imagine that it could escalate the fears…and to make a mother visit the morgue and do a funeral??? Holy crap!

        I do like watching hoarders. I think it’s a fascinating show. I’m glad to hear you don’t have 30 cats! And you look very clean in your pictures so I didn’t think you were like those people LOL

        I don’t know that I’ve heard of a confessing compulsion before. I guess that keeps you always honest eh? I’m glad that writing helps you…I feel very fortunate that so far in life I have been tagged as “normal”…but I know that writing helps me keep things in perspective. Especially when I go back and read about some of the more dramatic things in my life…gosh sometimes I was such a wimpy sap!!


      • Almost always honest,but I will lie if the truth would hurt someone too much. But I’d say 95% of the time I will tell the truth or confess if I feel guilty over something. If I know my mom won’t approve of something I always end up spilling my guts.

        Funny enough, the compulsion to confess is a pretty common one w/ people w/ OCD. There’s even been cases of people w/ OCD convincing themselves they committed a crime, but mainly it’s just having to spill every bad thing they do to someone who will listen. Not every compulsion occurs in every person w/ OCD. I don’t wash my hands or clean until my hands are raw. My fear of germs is about normal unless it comes to infecting other people, that worries me.


  3. A lot of your fears are really not all that irrational. It’s the obsession that makes it OCD. I wish there were a magic wand or a least a pill. My 17 year old grandson was just recently diagnosed as mildly OCD. All these years they’ve been treating him as ADHD. In the past couple years it had become more difficult for him to cope, fears & anxiety. Since the OCD diagnosis he’s on a new medicine and doing much better.

    Oh! Almost forgot. Rebel Rouser is a WONDERFUL tune!


    • Lots of folks with OCD get that wrong diagnosis I think. I never took meds for ADD, but at age 10 or so I was diagnosed ADD. Since then, after OCD , folks say they don’t see the ADD. But I do have a short attention span, can’t stay focused for very long….which is why it takes me forever to do anything….but then OCD plays into that too b/c it makes me take forever to do anything, which is why my blog ain’t daily. I find my mind wander and have to bring it back.
      Hee! Good song, can’t help it!


  4. I must have to applaud you for your honestly Lisa. Not everyone can throw their true thoughts and feelings out into cyberspace. You can scratch number 3 off your list for starters. You’re a Loon regular now which means you already have a healthy dose of love. It maybe not the love you are after but it is a good start.
    You may not realize this right now Lisa, but you are opening up a whole new group of people to the world of OCD and that is a powerful thing.
    OK, the fact that you write like like Stephen King is a tad scary, blahahahahahahahaha note to self, be nice to Lisa :), but you are out there making a difference.


    • Hi!!!!
      Thanks very much! I hope people read these posts b/c I would like to make a difference out there for others like me and people who don’t understand anxiety disorders. I hope folks read just ’cause I’m interesting too. As for being truthful, that’s why on my own blog I’m vague where I live.
      I love you too! But not in the Stephen King’s Misery kind of way.


  5. Lisa, It’s so courageous to share your vulnerabilities. I did that recently on my blog too. I think it might be good for us to share our strengths too one day- just for balance sake 🙂 Our vulnerabilities are just one part of us.

    I’m very sensitive like you – I won’t watch violent programs and am very empathetic to other people’s woes. I think this is healthy. What’s unhealthy is a culture that indulges violence on t.v. and in movies. That being said, my aim is not to loose my sensitivity but not to allow everything to penetrate and affect me so deeply. Suffering is a part of life, but I have to remind myself that suffering about the suffering doesn’t really help me or others. That’s what I’m working with.

    I love your blog and your upfront writing style.


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