So, I was reading Duncan Roy’s blog today and he posted about Obama, how he realized Obama wasn’t a God
at the time he got elected. So being the silly OCD Blogger Girl that I am, I wrote in the comments,
something like this: “When Obama got elected, I thought he could cure lepers and part the seas. Then I
realized he was just human. A really good human, but a human all the same.” And that’s when I thought about
the little private blog I kept for around 3 months in 2008, a time for me when Hope and Change sprung eternal. I went back, skimmed it, edited it, and decided some of these posts are worth sharing. I should have broke this crap down to more than one post, but I figure, skim it, read the parts not dull to you, and call it a day.
Mind you I’m still a rabid Obama liberal, just not with the passion of a thousand suns like in 2008 -when I
realized Hillary was kind of a bitch and decided to pull for Obama. Anyway, enjoy I guess…
October 23, 2008 - Thursday
Post something; just anything
Current mood: contemplative
I’m painfully shy, so much so that I feel dread passing people in situations where I know I must say hi or make eye contact or be considered rude. I like people, but I’m so terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing, of being considered mean. I’m always polite, if not meeting someone’s eyes except once or twice per conversation polite (I’m afraid people will think I’m staring at them, heh). And all at the same time I want to be noticed. For instance, I have rather deep-seated political beliefs and I feel compelled to show my support for Barack Obama. My pins for Obama I wear and are light-hearted, but my feelings are very strong. I wear two. The first looks like a Mccain/Palin button with their faces on it…..except instead of their names, “Geezer/Gidget.” Now, mind, I don’t believe in being an ageist, but I so do want 4 more dark years of Bush-Light. Lordy, and what if he passes away? I’m no great fan of abortion, but who is? I’m pro-choice the first trimester, pro-life the rest unless the mother’s health is at risk. Grrr…to think how McCain dismissed the health of a mother with quotation marks during the final debate. Sarah Palin is against abortion in all cases, ALL cases, even rape and incest, as is McCain since he sold his soul to appease the further right in his party. Palin believes in “praying the gay away” eeps from gay people instead of tolerance for consenting adults in loving relationships. Oh, and the worst thing McCain did in his soul selling to become president was approve of torture after he himself was tortured….he used to be anti-torture until he saw his view wasn’t popular among conservatives……but dear me, I was telling you about my pins.
My other pin says “Cat Lovers for Obama” and has two kittens on it. How many people will take my message too seriously sporting these pins is debatable, but at least this one shy gal has some way of letting people know.
I’m Lisa and I approved of this run on ADHD-style message.
October 24, 2008 – Friday
Evictions and other curiosities
Well, I live in Shitzville Apartment complex. Yes, Shitzville. I actually prefer Shitzville to home ownership. There’s a pool, we have a terrace with lax rules on spreading out around it, and maintenance falls on others. I used to live in a house, but we sold it when we were desperate and eating onions out of the garden and that was about it. The neighborhood, Decentville, was a nice place with slim to no crime, and I could stay out in the large fenced backyard until 1 a.m without being hacked to death (which is always a plus in real estate I’m told). We lived at Villa Going-Down-Fast, inherited from my grandma, with whom we lived since I was nine. Villa Going-Down-Fast was bought in 1987 and was still a very nice home then. It was built in 1972, but time flew by. By the time we left the air and heat barely worked, the wiring tended to spark, the wood around the brick was rotting outside and needed paint, there was water leaking from the bathrooms, the stove gave off a foul odor, and rats were upstairs in the crawl space -and you could hear and smell them. My mother was out of work and I couldn’t get a job (this is before I got disability). So we basically sold everything of worth in our house and when that ran out, heirlooms and bed frames gone) we sold our house to Mr. Schiester for about $20,000 paid in increments of $700.00 a month for 4 years…
So good riddance to that chapter of my life. Au revoir, Villa Going-Down-Fast. Here in Shitzville, the air and heat work very well and if you hear movement upstairs it’s fellow members of the human race. Many of the people are so nice here, many a bit odd and trailer supplants, and everyone is different here.
But alas, apartment renting is a business, whether it is in Ritzville or Shitzville and one wonders at the heartlessness of others.
Walking out into the hall this morning several police persons were leaving the apartment of a woman receiving her final eviction notice after receiving 3. There were at least 5 policepersons. Perhaps the boyfriend of Ms. Misplaced had been giving trouble. Ms. Misplaced has two children under 5 years-old and I’m sure an army of cops would be frightening if they were anywhere to be seen. The final eviction notice was taped up on the front door for all to see (paraphrased):
Eviction notice. Returning to the premises will result in arrest, etc.
I had heard that the venerable Mme. Bitchyazz, supreme apartment manager, wondered how she would rid herself of said family…Yep, several officers should do the trick.
Later, however, in an act of extreme magnanimity our patroness must have allowed the Misplaced Family to retrieve their belongings. Some are not so well treated by Mme. Bitchyazz I understand. Don’t get beat up and have your rent stolen because near death experiences won’t save you from that eviction notice, and hopefully they’ll have it in your native tongue, señor.
October 27, 2008 – Monday
Kissing a Bee
So I went to the park today. I walked the nature-ish trail (ain’t so very nature, since one side shows the road). I determined it was safe to walk down because a couple and their dog were walking also, but like I said it isn’t exactly isolated since the road mainly follows by its side. I was listening to Portishead on tape and when side one was finished I determined I was about walked out and found my way back to the van. Got my book, my old yard sale Gameboy Advance in lieu of my SP and DS (both of which are hanging out in the pawn shop, my bottle of orange juice and found my way to a shady spot near the pond. When I finished my orange juice is when I determined I had finished reading and gaming, my gauge if you will, but not before my rendezvous with a thirsty yellow jacket. Now, as you probably know, yellow jackets are not all that aggressive bees and as long as you don’t mess with them they will not mess with you. He/she kept trying to get at my juice and succeeded hanging out on the lid and rim at times. He/she, however, also found my hand for refreshment, and I stayed still as he/she enjoyed the stickiness of my hand. I was relatively serene, so long as (let’s say it’s a he; feminism be damned) he remained on my hand. When he decided to land on my face, I was a tad less at peace. I imagined him getting caught in my glasses and stinging my eyes and hoped God would answer my prayer for me not to be stung. He landed on my nose, but the worst was my lips. He landed in the middle of my closed lips and I made sure my teeth were clamped shut for double protection. Have you ever had a bee suck the orange juice residue on your lips? It’s bizarre, nor do I recommend it. Yes, my lips have seen little action since I was about 21 years-old and got a tiny peck on the lips by a man who wasn’t particular (I’ll save that embarrassing tale for another time) and did not wish to end the dry spell with this diminutive creature and thankfully he finally flew away.
Ugh, but I will tell you one story from my childhood that deals with bees. It still bothers me because I worry the man in this story was dangerous and while he caused no harm to me I wonder what happened to him. I think I was probably 8 . I was at a park with a my daycare and there was only a few of us with the woman who took us, so no real harm could have occurred unless we got separated. God was watching over us, plus I could sense danger. There was a man with long blond hair, thin, perhaps tall, but I was 8 so he might have been short. I noticed the other kids were gathering around him. It was a magic show of sorts, involving a Sundrop can and a yellow jacket. At the age of 8, it was fascinating to watch this friendly guy trap a bee in the can, then let him out….But the red flags were waving in my mind. DANGER. Sometimes you just know. So did the woman watching us and she called us all back and looked disturbed. I think she gave the man that look too, and then he was gone. I think he was a pervert. A part of me wants to say nahhh, but it was all so strange. Wonder what happened to him? I pray he never hurt anyone, that it was all overreaction. I can’t bear the thought. This world is too beautiful to have such evil. What an awful world it is in tiny segments. Ugh, my mind feels too much sometimes. Please let me have been wrong then. Ok Lisa, that was 1986, time to think other stuff. I was happy until that came into my mind. I just thank God my children are cats.
October 28, 2008 – Tuesday
I was diagnosed at age 17. Until then, I knew I was different, yes. How different and that it had a name I had no idea. When my doctor at the time told me he thought I had OCD, I was like, “But I don’t repeatedly wash my hands.”
My own mother, who was a nurse, used to council at Mental Health, and she only thought I was an extreme worrier. She even had had an obsessive-compulsive patient or two, a cleaner-type. Go figure.
So how did the doctor know I was one? My obsession that my mother was going to die. I still have this obsession, just to a lesser degree. I still need to know where my mom is most of the time, but in those days I didn’t let her out of my sight for fear that the moment I did she would be killed in a car crash or possibly murdered. So he knew it was an obsession, but he wanted to make sure so he gave me a questionnaire. I answered what I felt I could and lied on the ones I just couldn’t because I thought if I answered yes he would think I was psychotic. Now I know that the ones I answered no on were all garden variety OCD symptoms too. I still scored high though even with the ones I fudged the answer on omitted. I seldom lie, but I just had to I thought. So many bad thoughts that I would tell my mom about and my best friend about, but could not tell a stranger. Awful thoughts that were totally not me but would invade my mind to distress me. The thought of causing pain, physical or mental, to any living creature will plague me to no end. I have to make sure I have not said something cruel over and over. I have to be reassured that folks aren’t mad or hurt all the time at me. If something bad happens I feel responsible that I could not have stopped it. A man fell in the pool one year on the steps. I was layered in sunscreen and had been sitting where he fell on the pool steps. I still think it had to have been because of me, though people say that underwater steps wouldn’t retain sunscreen. Everything that happens I feel guilty over and have to convince myself it wasn’t my fault.
October 30, 2008 – Thursday
Category: News and Politics
Saw Obama’s 30 minute ad. It was obviously done propaganda-style, with American flags (he was even wearing a flag pin it appeared)and that melodramatic music, but with real struggling people to emphasize his point. He dealt with the important issues such as the economy, ending the war in Iraq “responsibly,” and focusing on terrorism. I was particularly moved by his message that he won’t be a perfect president but he will remember who he is there for (or something to that effect). There is only one thing I noticed that didn’t set too well…He began by saying those making under $250,000 will receive tax cuts. Tonight he said $200,000. Not enough for me to jump the progressive ship, but just saying. I’d say he’s the lesser of two evils, but there is so much about the man to admire. I really think he is sincere, and lets face it, flip-flop McBush ain’t so much.
November 1, 2008 – Saturday
Current mood: melancholy
So today was Halloween. I also got paid today and so I got Milky Ways, 3 Musketeers, Hershey Bars, and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. A plethora of chocolate goodness for the multitudes which would surely beat the door down. So when I got my one solitary trick-or-treater, I gave her a big handful. Her father even said, “OOH mucho candy.” They were Honduran neighbors I think. The little girl was dressed as a witch, complete with a black and orange dress that poofed out. Her father was dressed like the grim reaper or something along those lines.
Mama made a point to hide the Milky Ways in a storage can with the extra candy not in the main bowl. She and I both favor them but I would have gladly gave out some. There would’ve been enough for sure.
Shitzville apartments would not be an optimal place to go trick-or-treating. Only a few weeks ago a couple in building 1 dispatched themselves by overdosing. It’s likely that they did it on purpose since they both died. The rumor is that they injected themselves near the heart, then had sex, and were found thus. They say “death be not proud” but if I were going to end it, I certainly would not wish to be found in such a fashion. I would hope I’d be fully dressed, suicide note of apology nearby. So I’m a morbid type, but my mind paints vivid pictures of despair. I made sure I saw them cart the bodies out too. It seems not real even now. They were covered in red body bags as they were carted out in stretchers. The thing that struck me as most bizarre is how they took them away. A Honda Odyssey minivan. I always thought morgue trucks were more obvious. Two men with closely cropped hair that made them almost identical were in the van. They opened the minivan’s back and the difference was that there were no back seats and there was a rubbery thing to let down so that the stretchers would not scratch the van going in. They attach the stretchers with one brace each and put a bag of evidence I suppose in between the bodies.
I remember thinking that it was too pretty a day to be dead and how selfish they were to let their family and friends suffer by offing themselves. But they were druggies with many different drugs found in their home. Hopefully they are in a happier place.
November 6, 2008 – Thursday
Holy shit…He actually did it
Current mood: blessed
Category: News and Politics
Yes we can? Holy shit, we actually did!!!! I hoped and prayed, yet I never allowed myself to truly believe he would actually get elected. I was sure that the scare tactics, lies, and social conservatism that defeated John Kerry in ’04 would in the end win out over Obama’s charisma.
Just look at everything that was against Obama in many voters’ eyes:
A.) He’s black
B.) People said he was a muslim, with a father and name to back the assumption
C.) He’s black
D.) If he wasn’t a Muslim, he’s a proponent of Black Nationalist Theology
E.) He’s black
F.) He was involved with ACORN
G.) He’s black
H.) His friends are slum lords n’ terrorists that got his career a’going
I.) He’s black
J.) He’s not a natural born citizen
L.) He’s a Marxist
M.) He’s black
N.)He’s a Socialist
O.) He’s black
P.) His wife hates whitey
Q.) He’s black
T.)The same hole responsible for Kerry’s Swift Boat vets, wrote a book with the catchy title, “The Obamanation”
U.) He’s black
V.) Is he black enough for African-Americans?
X)Will he be able to transcend color for white comfort?
Z.)He’s the Antichrist
Haven’t you heard these things more or less ever since he became a candidate? Some of it’s blatent racism, xenophobia, and to be truthful, lack of experience of the candidate. It is my belief, however, many people who are spreading the slanderous rumors regarding Obama are doing so out of latent racism, and aren’t even aware it’s because he’s African-American. “It’s not ’cause he’s black,” many would say and believe it as they told you, but let’s face it, no matter how progressive a person is, he/she hasn’t reached the ability to 100% judge someone strictly on character.
Ok. now that I’ve pontificated for over an hour, let me actually tell you about my election day. Good deed of the day besides voting -rescued a 6 inch earthworm out of the parking lot of Taco Bell, yucky and slimy thing. Oh, and I retired my “Geezer & Gidget” pin out of respect for other voters, plus I didn’t want my ass kicked.
Yes, I did pray Obama would win, but I tried to be wise as a mere mortal doing so. I said to Jesus, “Please let Obama win if he is the best man.” You know, just in case the republicans were right, and their ideas aren’t as dumb as I tend to think of them. Was it divine intervention or that Bush sent the country careening off a cliff and a yellow dog would be better than a republican? I think both, though heaven knows, Obama is a wonderful person who will usher in a new era for America….he is not merely the candidate for the yellow dog democrat.
When I voted , I carefully read the ballot and instructions, wanting to be certain of perfection, plus out of curiosity too. Carefully I blacked out the circle by Obama, and my straight Democrat ticket. On to non-partisan. Secretary of soil. Gee, who has a better sounding name? Oh look it, this guy has no challenger. Eh, what the hell and blacked the spot in. This one’s a gal, so what the hell too. Sandra C. Hmm, I like her ad. The cops like her, she’s respectful, and been in there before, so what the hell too, Judge….Yeah, prolly should leave those I don’t know alone, but I’ll worry about soil and water guy when I get sick. Yeah, that’s bad. Bond referendum. That I was concerned about and voted yes for the community college to expand so they wouldn’t have to turn students wanting a career each semester.
Everyone I voted for (that I gave a damn ) got in.
So I began watching election coverage around 7pm. State after state marked blue or red. The battlegrounds fell to Obama…and then 11pm. Brian Williams suddenly comes on and says, “The White House will have young children in it again. Barack Obama has been elected president.” I startled my mom who had fallen asleep with my loud waking of her. It was so amazing, so wonderful. All those people in Illinois gathered together crying. I teared up too. I haven’t known that kind of happiness in a very long time, nor have I ever been so proud to be an American.
I did feel sorry for McCain though, that poor soul among his cookie-cutter looking supporters. I hope Obama offers him a cabinet position. I even felt bad for Palin and I despise the woman, go figure….But imagine the disappointment even if you were prepared for it. Oh well, maybe she won’t force Bristol to get married now.
I am worried about the future though, all the hatred. I hope God will protect Obama. Those dear children need their father and so does America.
November 9, 2008 – Sunday
Current mood: okay
We took to the yard sales, which is one of my favorite pastimes. I buy stuff for eBay, find the occasional thing for myself, and it feeds my hoarding compulsion. Today I bought $2.00 in a fill a box book sale. I also bought some dolls for resale and one for myself, a Kelly doll in box, plus a portable cd player because mine broke. My mom found an Electrolux vacuums.
Our last sale was at a church. Ok, I consider myself a Methodist (though God knows I haven’t seen the inside of a church in a long time), but this particular church I have no love for even if it is of my preferred denomination. Being at this particular church brought back a memory I’d about as soon forget.
Once upon a time, before I got on disability, we reached dire straights as I’ve alluded to before. Social services, in addition to food stamps, gave us a voucher to go to a food bank at this particular church. Now it would probably still be an unpleasant memory even if it had not gone as it had, but since it went a certain way, all the worse.
You may think, “Fatass, you oughta be grateful,” and don’t think I’m not, but….
The lady in charge was a certain type of character, “The Christian Duty Martyr.” The martyr obviously was there as her duty, but her heart was not in the work as she stuck up her nose at the lot of us unfortunates. Rudely, tersely, she checked the vouchers of us Social Services trash. One older woman didn’t have her papers and they nearly turned her away. They gave an English application to a Mexican, then it was found he couldn’t read at all when they gave him one in Spanish. It was only her who was being the martyr, while a certain gentleman gave us a box that contained those delicious Girl Scout mint cookies because I think he heard me remark how much I liked them -that is what I should focus on, the good, not the martyr. Ugh, but it was all a bad business those days. I was always a giving person, but now I try even more because I don’t wish to be like Ms. Christian Duty Martyr. I hope you don’t think too badly of me, or think of me the way I do. Too much is wrong with me to stand in judgement of others.
Later on we went down to the auction house and I bought some glassware and crap. Our friends, L. and B., were selling there tonight along with other sellers. We hadn’t been in a long while to the auction and it was enjoyable for me. The bad part was on our way home a guy was standing in the road. He’d ran over a deer and if we hadn’t seen him the carcass might have caused us to wreck or kill the man there. Yikes! I’m terrified of killing folks and hope my mom would’ve seen the guy before it was too late. Probably would since his car was by the road with the emergency lights flashing. Thank you God nothing bad happened, ’cause my mom doesn’t see as well as she once did.
Obama is the talk of the county, toasted or maligned depending on where you are. I was in a predominately black neighborhood yard sale and they talked with such a beautiful joy and I shared their pleasure.
This evening, though, I saw the opposite side. The auction I went to is a very white place, with seldom a black person there. I heard the apprehension in a couple people and snide remarks from others as a carved rhino made in Kenya came up.
I have even been asked by an online friend not to even mention his name. Some such about Obama wanting to change the American flag and not allow people to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. I knew it was useless to argue, and since I’m very fond of her and would not wish to upset her at all I will acquiesce. My pitcher of Obama Kool-aide will be placed in the back of the refrigerator for blander potables.
December 8, 2008 – Monday
My 31st Birthday
31 years ago today, December 8, 1977, I came into this world at 8:03pm. So I’m here. What now?Surely this isn’t what I was put here for, to write stupid blog entries every few days and go through the motions of life yearning for something.
I blew out the candles, neon curly ones left over from my mom’s birthday, and made a wish I’m sure won’t come true this year. I can’t tell my wish lest it not come true, but I know it won’t come true.
And yet today was a very nice birthday. My cake was from Baskin-Robbins. When my mother ordered it, the decorator asked if it was for an adult or a child. Mother told her it was for an adult, and then proceeded to ask for a cat on the cake. The end result was an adorable tabby made to resemble my black tabby, Oscar, peeping out of grass and roses, with a layer of strawberry ice cream, vanilla ice cream, and a bottom layer of chocolate cake. It was both darling and delicious! I got a beautiful Christmas Carol Barbie doll to add to my collection and some My Little Pony mini-ornaments. I collect stuff like that because it brings back childhood memories. Almost any character, modern incantatations included, that originally existed in the 1980s I collect. Besides it’s cheaper than my mondo wish for the laptop my mom can’t afford.
We went to lunch at KFC with my elderly friends, L and B. B’s 77th birthday is today too. We gave B one of the medium-hot pepper plants my mom grows. He loves hot peppers, but L. suffers from acid reflux and she doesn’t suffer in silence at our get togethers, often going into graphic descriptions of vomiting in the bathroom at the table, which often cuts my meal short, heh.
I love them very much, like our family. They don’t have too much money (neither do we) and it’s always fascinating to open a gift bag from them. You remember, Tom and Barry, etc., those mooning men that pulled their pants down when you squeezed a nozzle -they came out around 1990, well I got a tiny keychain version, prolly found somewhere in their house, very cute. A little puppy peeping out of a gift bag. Some cookies made a few days ago. Some candy corn and tiny candy pumpkins -Halloween candy doesn’t spoil, plus a nice card. It meant all the more though because I know they love me too and cared enough to put it together for me.
In the evening, Mom and I went looking at Christmas lights and had pizza. It was a good time time though I feel sad when I think of that very dear man who didn’t wish me a happy day. Silly me, but at least I’m loved beyond this screen.
Current mood: anxious
Category: News and Politics
Hurray for Barrack! Call him “the Messiah,” Rush and Sean, but we won over your narrow-minded politics. I listened to virtually all of Limbaugh today because I find him amusing and I wanted to see what a miserablely sore loser he is. Also heard some of Hannity, who basically vomits out the selfsame emesis that Rush (his latent crush) does, just not as interestingly. I really don’t think Obama can mess up the country any worse than Dubya did.
It snowed here yesterday a bit. A rare thing . I’m fascinated by how lovely each individual snowflake is.