Okay, I will try not to write more ‘kill a buzz’ poetry next time, though y’all were awesome about the last one. It even got published on http://katemclaughlin.net, a successful author’s mental health blog. Coolest. Thing. Ever. Y’all won’t hold it against me if I break out into a stirring rendition of “Fame! I’m gonna live forever!” Shoot, I even feel as though I’ve got “Bette Davis Eyes” and that “I’m Walking on Sunshine, baby, yeah.”
I’m feeling so magnanimous today that I’m going to share one of the things that OCD does to virtually everyone who has it: Rabid perfectionism. Cujo-trying-to-attack-style. Just when my mind thinks I’ve figured out a way to do something, that I’ve planned it out perfectly, Nervous Nelly will interject, “Nah girl, you ain’t doing that right. Try harder, loserrr.” If it ain’t Nervous Nelly in my head saying such, my mother is apt to say something that I will misconstrue as a criticism, which will turn me all ‘Sybilish’ and my mom and I end up having words. I want to be perfect and as good as everyone else, but my standards for myself are wayyyyyyyy too high. The really fun part is therapy and antidepressants just dampen it a tad. I can’t seem to stop. Irksome! But anyway, here I drop a rhyme about it for this week’s Poetry Pot Luck at http://jinglepoetry.blogspot.com . Tell me the truth if you don’t like it , in a nice way, of course!
Some people ask me why do you do such a thing?
Can it really be a comfort, or are you just not listening?
Are you just being difficult?
Are you just trying to make us mad?
No, I’m not. Yes, I am.
No. Yes. Maybe.
I’m not sure? I hope not.
I don’t think so…
I am difficult and I am crazy
in my own convoluted way.
Well, you should stop, they say.
I don’t think you understand.
All people are driven forward by their minds.
I move forward but I’m three steps behind.
You go your way, but I must stay and listen to my mind.
It started around the age of six.
Staring at a piece of paper,
I knew I was in a fix.
Your name. Write your name.
No, no, it has to feel just right.
Instead I just sat there,
and the teacher marveled at how
I could be so dumb.
I didn’t know how to explain,
not to anyone.
In religion, I made the decision
to be as perfect as Jesus.
No everlasting flames for me!
But if I prayed once,
soon I’d pray again.
Oh Jesus, too much is a sin!
But you know better now, right?
You know you can’t ever be
a freaking deity?
Yes, but maybe no.
Maybe I always knew,
but I was just a kid.
Now I’m an adult.
I only want to be as good as everyone else,
Perfect that without completely erasing me.
So to myself I say,
Today will be the day I do nothing wrong.
I’ll please everyone, even you.
I might see the forest,
but all those trees are blocking my view.
Then tears, screams, I must begin anew.